Despite my better efforts, there are some huge gaps in my film-watching repertoire. Gaps which, since 90% of my friends are just as film-nerdy as I, I am constantly given sh*t for. Which I super deserve. So now, to shut all of them up, I’ve decided to get to work on catching up on these gaps.
This week, my friends finally realize they can use the fact that I watch whatever they suggest to f*ck with me by making me watch 2007’s “Bee Movie” and 2007’s “The Water Horse: Legend of the Deep”. In other news, my friends are assholes. And today’s my birthday too. Life is awwwwwwe-soooooome.
I have gazed deeply into the mouth of madness and it has changed me to my very core. I’m sure many of you watched “Bee Movie” when it came out in 2007, and NEVER AGAIN. You know, like everyone who isn’t either me or the person who recommended it to me. So, here’s the thing: I’m sure many of you were children when you saw this film so you probably don’t remember this film too well. I’m here to tell you that this movie is REALLY F*CKING WEIRD. Like, so much weirder than you remember. It’s so weird, you guys.
The film, directed by Simon J. Smith and Steve Hickner and produced by Dreamworks Animation, stars Jerry Seinfeld as Barry B. Benson, a bee who doesn’t know what he wants to do in life. And then a bunch of stuff happens to him in no particular order for no particular reason. Seriously, this movie transitions from coming-of-age story to romance to courtroom drama to 70s airplane movie with no rhyme or reason. This film is a surreal experience that you do not watch, so much as endure. And I endured the f*ck out of it for your reading enjoyment, so I’ll be goddamned if I’m not going to milk this thing for all its worth.
Ok, so, I have more notes on this movie than I’ve had on the last three films I’ve reviewed combined, so let’s just start at the beginning. Barry is just out of college despite the fact that Seinfeld has never sounded younger than 35, and he needs to pick a job to do for the rest of his life until he dies. Deciding he doesn’t want to deal with all that pressure, Barry decides instead to leave the hive with the “Pollen Jocks” (essentially, imagine the Air Force, except they’re bees for some f*ckin’ reason). After getting separated from the group, Barry runs into Vanessa Bloome, a florist played by Renée Zellweger. Vanessa stops Barry from being murdered and he, in turn, thanks her, thereby breaking Bee Law by speaking to a human. Question the first: Why aren’t Bees allowed to speak to humans? Like, what reason do they have, because the film never gives us one. We’re just told that they aren’t allowed to and are supposed to accept that. Then Barry and Vanessa fall in love. Yeah, this movie is a love story between a human and a bee. A goddamn bee!! Wait, wait, hang on. Does that make this a movie about… bee-stiality?
I don’t care HOW mad that joke made you, I’m really proud of it. Barry then discovers that humans steal and sell honey from bees and he decides to sue all of humanity. SEE? I TOLD YOU THIS MOVIE WAS REALLY WEIRD!! The next half hour is a f*cking courtroom drama because of course it is. In this part of the film, John Goodman’s cartoonish southern lawyer and Barry’s cousin Adam played by Mathew Broderick show up the most. Yeah, there are a lot of people in this movie that make you ask “Why is this person in this movie? What favors did they owe Dreamworks?” After the coutroom drama ends, the film meanders about for fifteen minutes before Barry and Vanessa eventually have to land a goddamn plane, which they do, and then the film finally ends.
So, now that we’re freaking done with the plot summary, I can address some of the weirdness in the film. First off, why isn’t EVERYONE surprised by Barry speaking? Sure, some are, but many more just treat it like an everyday occurrence. What the f*ck, movie? Consistency, goddamnit. Also, I’ve already dealt with the weird bee/human romance, (which is made oh so much worse when John Goodman asks Vanessa if Barry is her “bedbug”. Ugh.) but I should also talk about some other questions I have. How is Barry a licensed attorney when he is a bee? Why does he make his hospitalized best friend leave the hospital and go to court to buy him time? Why does Ray Liotta have his own brand of honey? Why the f*ck does Winnie the Pooh get tranquilizer dart-ed in this movie? Why was this movie the subject of two real-life lawsuits?
OOH, OOH, can we talk about the weird-ass cameos in this movie? WHY THE F*CKITTY F*CK IS STING IN THIS MOVIE????? STING IS IN THIS MOVIE, PLAYING HIMSELF, TESTIFYING ABOUT BEE’S RIGHTS BECAUSE NOTHING ABOUT OUR WORLD MAKES SENSE TO ME ANYMORE!! Also, Ray Liotta plays himself in this movie, which is funny, because there is no way any child watching this knows who the f*ck Ray Liotta is. Oh, and NPR News’s Carl Kasell is in it as himself too, which is just as confusing. The worst, however, is Larry King, who plays… Bee Larry King. It is said that speaking the words “Bee Larry King” aloud will drive one into a psychotic murderous rage from which there is no escape or end. It’s like gazing upon the face of Cthulu.
God, it doesn’t come as a surprise when you find out the premise for this movie was originally suggested as a joke. I need a new rating for this. It is so goddamn stupid that I would honestly recommend watching it, it’s so bad it’s hilarious. It’s two stars of quality, but five stars of entertainment. So I guess I’ll give it the same kind of rating I’d give something like “The Room” or “Birdemic”.
ZERO out of five stars, give it a watch.
THE WATER HORSE: LEGEND OF THE DEEP
This movie was only suggested to me because it is the least memorable film of all time. I just spent almost two hours of my life watching it and it’s already beginning to fade from my memory. Also, while “Bee Movie” was so bad it was hilarious, “Water Horse” is so bad it’s unwatchable. I watched it with a group of friends and even with us all making fun of it the entire time, it was still a slog to get through. It’s just…so…BORING.
The film, directed by Jay Russell, was based on the book “The Water Horse” by Dick King-Smith, which, I assure you, is a real name a person has. The movie stars Emily Watson, Alex Etel, and a giant CGI monster that terrifies me to my very core. The plot follows a little boy in WWII-era Scotland who finds an egg. The egg hatches into a baby Loch Ness monster and whimsical f*cking adventures ensue. Also, I’m like, 90% certain the only sexual tension in this movie is between the boy and the water horse. Their relationship is weird, and when coupled with the strange faces the water horse tends to make, well… let’s just say I wasn’t prepared for BOTH movies I reviewed this week to be about bestiality.
The water horse itself, despite being really awful to look at, spend a majority of the movie as “the land horse”, or “the trash can horse”, and for a little while there, “The Toilet Horse”. I hate looking at it. I hate looking at it so much. It’s like a skinless duck mixed with the world’s sh*tiest dog. By accident, I originally typed that last sentence as “a skinless d*ck” WHICH WOULD ALSO BE ACCURATE. Have you ever seen a hairless cat? Imagine that thing could swim and was constantly flapping around like a brain damaged seal. That’s the water horse.
Oh, yeah, and remember how I said it was a period piece? Well it’s the boring kind of period piece. I’ll be honest, I love stories about World War Two. Hell, that last thing I read and adored was about the British tank regiments in the European theater, and even I didn’t care about the WWII drama in this bullsh*t movie. Halfway through watching the film, a good friend of mine looked at the boy and the water horse and shouted “I just want both of these two to go to a concentration camp,” and, while I don’t know how fully I support that statement, I certainly can see where he was coming from.
I’m not done! One: THE WATER HORSE IS ESTABLISHED IN THE FILM AS A HERMAPHRODITE!!! Which is good, because that means that when I tell it to go f*ck itself, it probably could. This movie is full of two things: terrible slapstick and jump scares. Yeah, that’s right, this movie has SO MANY JUMPSCARES. And I don’t know why. Oh, and slow motion, this movie has a strange amount of unnecessary slow motion. The child gives the water horse a name at one point, but as far as I could tell, that name was “Clearasil” so I’m not gonna be calling him that. All in all, this was the least enjoyable movie I’ve reviewed for this column. Zero stars is for so-bad-it’s-good movies, but for boring, legitimate trash like this, I have to give it
One out of five stars.
This week was awful. I hated every second of watching these films. Next week can only be an improvement on this goddamn sh*tpile. F*ck “Bee Movie” and f*ck “The Water Horse”, I’ll see you next week.