Television pilots are tough to make. It’s hard to introduce the concept and entire cast of characters of a show in one episode and still have that episode hold up on it’s own. But just because something’s hard doesn’t make it any more excusable when you fail spectacularly at doing it. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to The Black Box, where we check out pilots that crashed and burned to see exactly what went wrong.
This week, we’re goddamn home, baby.
Oh FUCK yes.
That’s right, it’s time to take yet another look at “Cop Rock”, my new favorite television show of all time. If I’m gonna dive into the hell that is shitty television every week, I deserve a break once a month to talk about something I love. And that something is motherfucking “Cop Rock” . Seriously, watching this was the highlight of my week. That may say more about me than it does about “Cop Rock.”
So, first thing I need to make clear, this episode picks up directly where the first left off, so if you haven’t read my review of that one, I’d suggest you do that right now.
If you’re too lazy to read that previous link, here’s a super brief summary: Officer Loosecannon shot an unarmed cop killer, the medical examiner covered up for him. Ladycop is married to said medical examiner but is sleeping with her partner, who I’m calling Affaircop. Oh, and Chief Whatthefuck (who I mistakenly confused with Captain Gravelvoice last time) has a robot bandit hiding in his closet whom he sometimes duels with. Ok, now that you’re caught up, let’s get into episode two.
What they did wrong: what part of “fuck you” did you not understand?
What they did right: We open on the funeral of the dead cop from episode one. And… um… I kinda thought we already saw his funeral last time. And it was very different. So… I’m super confused already. I mean, maybe I was mistaken, but I think this might be a pretty major continuity erro–
Is… is that a fucking saxophone? Does that mean?
YES!!!!!! MUSICAL NUMBER!!!!!! Oh, “Cop Rock”, how I’ve missed you. That guy belting out his song up there is a guy who, while he was IN the last episode, wasn’t quite important enough for me to mention him. He was the partner of the cop who died, and as such he will henceforth be known as… Officer Needsapartner. So Officer Needsapartner sings about how much he misses his partner and it’s real sad. We are still at a funeral, remember. But hey, if you gotta break into a musical number, I guess you just gotta do it. So, after that we go into the theme song.
I don’t think I talked about the theme song last time, and that was a mistake. The theme is sung by a guy who is probably Randy Newman, but I’m too lazy to actually check so let’s just say it is.
Yeah, that seems like Randy Newman.
As Randy sings, the entire cast sits around him and nods their heads to the music while smiling and laughing with each other. It’s so good. Everyone looks simultaneously like they’re having fun and like they’re super uncomfortable. I want to keep talking about it, but holy shit I’m already at 500 words and I’m less than three minutes into this forty-seven minute episode, I have to pick up the pace.
Ok, so last time I made a comment about how Officer Loosecannon ended the episode by shooting an unarmed black man. Now, this comment was pretty much along the lines of “Ha ha, oh, Cop Rock, you accidentally broached a subject that is super relevant all of a sudden and you don’t quite understand how serious of an issue you just touched on.” Yeah, so it turns out I underestimated this show. At the beginning of the episode, Officer Loosecannon is under investigation by both internal affairs and the mayor.
Seen here about to scare Dan Ackroyd and Bill Murray out of her library.
During the conversation between Chief Whatthefuck and the mayor, the mayor point blank states the following: “The community is outraged, they’re charging us with the killing of an unarmed black man.” … Well then. Nice job being progressive, Cop Rock, you really don’t get enough credit. And then, the police department launches a full on investigation seeking to bring Officer Loosecannon to justice. Just like in real lif– oh right. Never mind.
After leaving his meeting with the mayor, Chief Whatthefuck goes full on banana-pants crazy. He delivers a line so insane, I just wrote it down verbatim in my notes. “Used to be a woman was like a horse: you could saddle ’em up, no complaining.” Can… can we just take a moment to acknowledge that fucking line? Like, in the way that we acknowledge great works of art from throughout history? Because that line is douchebaggery as an art form. It’s almost impressive. So after this, Chief Whatthefuck goes back to his office, where he has INSTALLED A CARDBOARD CUTOUT OF THE MAYOR IN FRONT OF HIS DUELING ROBOT BANDIT FRIEND!!!
You thought I was motherfucking kidding, didn’t you?
Then he grabs a real rifle and blows the cardboard cutout away like he caught it breaking into his house. And then he makes this face.
Can we please move on?
Yes we can, photo-caption-me. So in other news, Ladycop and Affaircop are investigating the robbery of a super rich couple. The two of them sing about how much they want to be rich while probably engaging in pantsless-funtimes in the couple’s bed. Soon after they bring in a police lineup which turns into a latin dance jam about police racism towards the latino population of major cities.
Yeah, this song is goddamn fantastic. It earns my “Fuck to the Yeah” award for the episode, which will be given to the bestest song in each episode. I’m retroactively giving the first episode’s “Fuck to the Yeah” award to that song about building contract corruption. I’ll, like, make a medal or something for next time. Oh, and also, Jesus Christ, Cop Rock, maybe ease off on tackling cultural issues. What are you, Law and Order: SVU?
Sweet, now let’s get back to Officer Needsapartner and his plotline. He gets a partner! No, I’m not re-naming him. You’re all just gonna have to deal. His partner is my new favorite character on the show.
The man on the left is Officer Singsong (so named because he loves to sing during scenes that aren’t musical numbers) who is the closest thing this show has to a me. He is a total dork, he just seems to want people to like him, and he tries to just be a generally nice guy, approaching ‘aw shucks’ levels. Officer Singsong is the best. He and Officer Needsapartner slowly bond over the course of the episode and it’s downright adorable.
Back to the investigation, Officer Loosecannon and his partner are interrogating a suspect with Ladycop in the room. They dismiss Ladycop and Officer Loosecannon SEXUALLY HARASSES THE SUSPECT TO GET HER TO CONFESS!!!!!!!!!!!!
Would it be better or worse if one of them started singing?
Then, Officer Loosecannon tells her that if she doesn’t confess, he will turn her over to either A: her abusive boyfriend or B: prison rapists. So she confesses to the crime and gives up her accomplice because that’s a better option than prison rapists. Case closed? The episode ends with the medical examiner finally telling Captain Gravelvoice that he covered up Officer Loosecannon’s murder of the cop killer. Finally, it looks like the captain has enough information to bring Loosecannon to justice. But will he be able to? We’ll find out together next month, when I take a look at the third episode of Cop Rock.
But next week I’ll go back to watching shit because you assholes love to see me in pain.
Guess what? You don’t actually need to wait a month to read my review of the next episode! Do to the magic of space-time, you can read it right here.