The Black Box: “Cop Rock Ep. 3”

Television pilots are tough to make. It’s hard to introduce the concept and entire cast of characters of a show in one episode and still have that episode hold up on it’s own. But just because something’s hard doesn’t make it any more excusable when you fail spectacularly at doing it. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to The Black Box, where we check out pilots that crashed and burned to see exactly what went wrong.

This week, I need some pure unadulterated joy in my life, so we return to Cop Rock. Click here for a link to my previous Cop Rock reviews, ’cause I won’t be summarizing those episodes again today.

Oh, and also real quick, before we get into the comedy and the rock and the funtimes, I’d like to take a quick moment to remind people that, while the French Red Cross isn’t currently accepting American donations, Doctors Without Borders is. You can throw them some money here. And now back to the review.

Alright alright alright, let’s get back into Cop Rock.

What they did wrong: Oh my god!! STOP. ASKING. THE ANSWER WILL ALWAYS BE ‘NOTHING’!

What they did right: The episode opens on Chief Whatthefuck and Captain Gravelvoice as they discuss how to deal with Officer Loosecannon.

Screen Shot 2015-11-14 at 7.06.54 PM

                                   As I’m sure you’ve gathered, the video quality available to me isn’t great.

The captain very strongly argues for Loosecannon to be benched due to the ongoing criminal investigation, but Chief Whatthefuck is against the idea. Chief Whatthefuck laments the days of the old west when a guy like Loosecannon would be rewarded with “a shave and a whore”. Eventually, Whatthefuck agrees to let Gravelvoice pull Loosecannon off active duty. After Gravelvoice leaves, Whatthefuck sings a song about wanting to be a cowboy. A song you can hear by just clicking on this very sentence! Especially since he’s also dressed like a cowboy.

Screen Shot 2015-11-14 at 6.12.30 PM

You thought I was motherfucking kidding, didn’t you?

To be honest, this song actually explains a lot about Chief Whatthefuck’s character, mostly in relation to his attitude towards women and his robot bandit.  Whatthefuck is a man who wants to live in the old west, and he is doing everything he can to replicate that ideal. Ok, so it doesn’t ENTIRELY explain the robot bandit, but to be fair, will anything? So we go straight from this song into the theme song, which I’ve already talked about so let’s get a move on. Next, I actually don’t remember what specifically happened but my notes Just say “Officer Singsong is adorable” so It must have been pretty great.

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Aww, Singsong, you’re the best-iest

So after that Captain Gravelvoice tells Loosecannon that he ain’t gonna be able to police for a little while. Loosecannon is obviously pissed off, as he hasn’t been indicted yet, but he storms off like a pouty child anyway. Next we check in with the mayor, who wants to run for senate. She’s told to meet with two consultants first. Hey, let’s get back to Loosecannon, what’s he up t–

Screen Shot 2015-11-14 at 7.10.43 PM

Of course.

Yep, that is a strip club. And that stripper onstage is referred to by the MC as Gina “The Human Vacuum Cleaner”. I’m… um… I’m just NOT ok with that. Oh, and it’s not like we can just ignore her because she’s Loosecannon’s girlfriend. OF. COURSE. SHE. IS. She actually has a pretty fantastic song about feeling trapped in a emotionally abusive relationship with Loosecannon. Even if that song does begin with the line “God, I hate love.”

Transitioning from one fantastic line of dialogue to another, when we meet the mayor again, she opens by telling her advisors to “cut the bushwush”. I hope everyone who knows me is prepared for me to NEVER STOP USING THAT EXPRESSION. Also, this begins my absolute favorite scene of the episode. Partially because her advisors remind me of Tomax and Xamot.

Screen Shot 2015-11-14 at 7.11.01 PM


And partially because this ENTIRE SCENE is just these two calling the mayor ugly. Too ugly to be elected senator. Have… have you SEEN some of our senators? They say that, when testing focus groups, they said she was “ugly enough to scare dogs and horses” which is some cold shit to say to someone. In order to fix herself, the mayor decides to go see a plastic surgeon. BUT FIRST!

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Yeah, no,  unlike all my real life crushes, I’m not hiding my crush on this plotline. I loves me some Singsong and Needsapartner. The duo is summoned to the site of a domestic disturbance. They arrive and try to break up the violently arguing couple. Needsapartner deals with the husband while Singsong tries to talk with the wife. While Singsong is focusing on the wife, her husband gets jealous and actually grabs Singsong’s gun from his holster, pointing it at the duo. Note: while I’m sure you’re thinking “boy, Singsong’s an idiot for letting a guy take his gun off of him” know that this very situation is actually a huge danger to real life police officers. It’s apparently actually pretty dangerous to wear a firearm on your hip where anyone can grab it. Officer Needsapartner talks the husband down and he drops the gun. Then he and his wife sing a song about how they love each other and they regret ever fighting and how they’re totes ok now. And then Singsong and Needsapartner JUST LEAVE! Guys! I’m pretty sure the police handbook says your aren’t just supposed to leave a couple together after a domestic disturbance call where one of them PULLED OUT AN OFFICER’S FUCKING GUN!!!!! I don’t care WHAT they sung, arrest those motherfuckers!!

Back at the station house, Needsapartner accosts Singsong for not taking the husband seriously and for letting his gun get grabbed. HEY, Needsapartner! Have you ever considered it might be YOUR FUCKING FAULT for, I don’t know, LETTING the guy you were supposed to be guarding grab a fucking gun???? Maybe?????

But then they make up, so it’s all cool.

Back to Loosecannon, who is trying to bring in a drug bust, despite being benched. Captain Gravelvoice shows up and purposely botches the bust just to get back at Loosecannon because Captain Gravelvoice is one stone cold motherfucker. Loose cannon storms off and eventually does bust a drug dealer, even if he almost gets his stripper girlfriend killed along the way.

As the mayor is being put under for her plastic surgery however, something spectacular happens.

Screen Shot 2015-11-14 at 8.17.06 PM

                                             What’s going on?? I’m afraid!!!!

That’s right, we get a song from the perspective of the plastic surgeon. AND IT’S FANTASTIC!!! It features the lyric “The bigger, the better, underneath the sweater” which is so unashamed about how sleazy it is it’s downright respectable. And then the dancers come in.

Screen Shot 2015-11-14 at 8.17.21 PM                                    YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This song is so goddamn over the top, it finds a new top and then rises over that as well. It’s gloriously ridiculous. And it hands down wins this episode’s award. Which award, you ask? This one:

Screen Shot 2015-10-25 at 8.46.08 PM

                                                                         Told you I’d make one.

Ok, ok, we gotta come down from that somehow. Turns out it’s with another awesome song, “Garbage In, Garbage Out” which is basically about recidivism and police attitudes towards criminals. Also it features a man who I can only describe as the human incarnation of Zoot from The Muppets.

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                                          The resemblance is uncanny.

After this song is over, Loosecannon arrives with the drug dealer he busted, only to find that his partner has given him up. So Captain Gravelvoice places Loosecannon under arrest and…

End of episode. Yep, we both gotta wait a month to see what happens next. Darn. I have to say, I still really love this show. So much. Hopefully it doesn’t let me down. PSSSSHHHH, AS IF THAT WAS POSSIBLE!

‘Til next time, cut the bushwush.


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