The first decade of this millennium is often heralded as some sort of golden age for children’s films. Sure, most of Pixar’s best flicks came out in this period, and there were some winners in general, but I think people tend to view the films of their own childhood with rose-colored glasses. Most of these films are goddamn godawful. Just HOW goddamn godawful, you ask? Let’s find out together by checking out EVERY kids film between 2000 and 2009. From theatrical to direct-to-DVD to Disney Channel Original, we’ll look at ’em all because I am a glutton for punishment.
This week, we watch some gutter-trash.
Uuuuuuggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. This movie was one of the most boring I’ve ever had to sit through for this column. It makes me want to never watch another movie again, much less another kids movie. Much like The Water Horse, Dinosaur is utterly, painfully, extremely forgettable. The story is basically just a buncha Dinosaurs running away from the murdery super death cloud coming from the meteor that wiped out the dinosaurs.
It’s ok, science nerds, my brain is screaming, too. Oh, and no feathers on the dinosaurs, either. Just, like, how hard is this? So our protagonist is Aladar, whose name sounds like the lead character in a failed ’80s toyline.
He’s the one who looks like he wants to eat those monkeys.
Aladar is an iguanodon raised by lemurs. He grows up raised as a lemur himself until the meteor hits and just evokes the FUCK out of some Hiroshima imagery. Seriously, it’s kinda not ok. Aladar and Co. go off to try and find the rumored nesting grounds, where they can live free. Even though they are all DEFINITELY going to die no matter what. Upbeat movie.
Along the way, they run into vast groups of other characters who I just don’t give a shit about. Although one of said characters refers to himself as “The Love Monkey”. This makes me want to put my head through the glass coffee table sitting next to me. And then do the same to three or four other people. God DAMMIT fuck this movie. Also, one of these new characters is an ankylosaurus who is also basically a dog.
Sorry… got spooked there for a second. But never mind that, my question is this: is he ok? Why does he have the IQ of a dog? Is he supposed to have some sort of unspecified mental issue? Because that’s mildly depressing.
Also, here are our villains.
They also don’t talk. And they are scared away at the end by everyone else yelling at them. This is a one hundred-percent factual statement. This isn’t a good movie. Also, you might have noticed none of the fun dinosaurs (T-Rex, Stegosaurus, Triceratops) make appearances. It’s disappointing, I know. Literally no one gives a shit about Iguanodon.
Oh, also the animation is, like, fine.
As depicted by the worst looking shot in the film.
It’s just a bad, bad movie.
Don’t watch it.
Wooooooow, fuck this bullshit movie.
I mean it. Fuck this movie for existing. But also for messing with my reviewing plans. Y’see, I had planned to review this thing entirely in rhyme but A: turns out someone already did that, and B: I am in a hotel with the worst internet of all time, and the movie literally refused to download until super late at night. In fact, it still hasn’t downloaded as I type this. So here’s the plan: in order to get the review up on time, I had a terrible idea.
A terrible horrible awful idea.
I am going to write the review AS I watch the movie. No filter, no structure. I pre-grabbed some images off the internet to stick in as needed, but this review will pretty much be improv-ed as I go.
Wow, everything looks absolutely terrifying in this movie. Just… horrifying. Especially the Grinch himself.
So gross and unpleasant looking. Also, let’s now see how you stretch a children’s book into a two hour movie– oh, filler.
Yeah, the Whos need character arcs, so the movie males them all materialistic, because that’s what this movie needed. Oh, good, The Grinch is here to annoy the fuck out of me. All he seems to do is make noises like he’s being fed into a woodchipper.
WAIT WHAT IS THIS? WHY ARE WE GETTING A GRINCH ORIGIN STORY? WHO ASKED FOR THIS? WHO WANTED THIS? RED ALERT!!!
I have never once been in a school classroom where the entire room broke into merciless evil laughter. Is this a thing that happens to other people.
This movie is just painful to look at.
Did… did that man just kiss that dog’s butthole? That… that might be the greatest metaphor for this very film I’ve ever seen.
NO, YOU AREN’T ALLOWED TO START QUOTING THE ORIGINAL AFTER THE CANINE-ANUS-KISSING SCENE!!!!!!!
Oh, cool, the heart expansion is portrayed realistically painfully. That’s awesome because I want to see everyone in this movie in pain.
Also, Cindy exists.
Good for her.
Oh, good, because the Grinch needed a love story.
And… it’s OVER? What. I mean, that’s good, ’cause it sucked, but come one, THAT was your ending?
Well, I’m done. Now to post this so I can get some fucking sleep. This thing wore me out.