Why, 2K?!- “The Emperor’s New Groove” and “An Extremely Goofy Movie”

The first decade of this millennium is often heralded as some sort of golden age for children’s films. Sure, most of Pixar’s best flicks came out in this period, and there were some winners in general, but I think people tend to view the films of their own childhood with rose-colored glasses. Most of these films are goddamn godawful. Just HOW goddamn godawful, you ask? Let’s find out together by checking out EVERY kids film between 2000 and 2009. From theatrical to direct-to-DVD to Disney Channel Original, we’ll look at ’em all because I am a glutton for punishment.

This week oh thank Jesus I got to watch some good movies.

THE EMPEROR’S NEW GROOVE

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Guys, after last week I seriously considered stopping this. It was difficult, awful, and fought me every step of the way. But this week, I got to be happy. I decided to do this segment for two reasons: One: I would get to tear into awful awful awful kids flicks and Two: to re-experiance some great kids movies I hadn’t seen in forever.

This week was the latter, a really strong, really funny movie. Plus, it does what I thought impossible and makes me like David Spade. That is a feet.

The film follows the self-absorbed Emperor Kuzco who is just a dick. An extremely funny and likable dick, but a dick nonetheless. Not only is the film his story, but he fourth-wall breaking-ly  narrates the tale as well, which allows him to maintain likability even in some of his douche-ier moments.

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                                   Although he looks super weird as a llama.

Yeah, Kuzco is turned into a llama by his former advisor Yzma do to some wacky shennanigans. Due to even more wacky shenanigans, Kuzco finds himself teamed up with Pancha (John Goodman) one of the peasants his new summer home will be displacing. And then it becomes a buddy comedy as the duo tries to make it back to the palace before Yzma (Eartha Kitt) and her dimwitted assistant Kronk (Patrick Warburton) can stop them. And oh my fucking god does spellcheck hate the names of EVERY SINGLE CHARACTER IN THIS MOVIE.

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This cast is goddamn great. Like I said, David Spade is super charming and likable and  whatnot. John Goodman is John Goodman. The phrase “John Goodman was great in this movie” is one of the most redundant things I’ve ever typed in my life. I’m mad at you that I even needed to.

Eartha Kitt is also super great and turns in an iconic performance that is endlessly memorable. Patrick Warburton is literal perfection. Look at this image.

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That’s goddamn perfect. You aren’t allowed to NOT find that amazing. It’s just too good to not like. Go watch it now. You won’t be disappointed. Think of me as a litmus test of your favorite childhood films, here to tell you if it’s worth going back to. This one is, for sure.

AN EXTREMELY GOOFY MOVIE

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Guys, this has never happened before! Both Movies I get to talk about this week are good! I… I’m crying, I’m so happy.

An Extremely Goofy Movie is the sequel to A Goofy Movie and continues on with the characters that originated in the Goof Troop tv series. I have only vague memories of all this things at best, so no nostalgia shall cloud mine sight on this one.

The film takes place during Max Goof’s first year at college alongside his best friends PJ and Bobby. But, when his father Goofy is fired from his job, Max is surprised to find his father enrolled at his own college, trying for his degree and embarrassing him the whole time. SHENANIGANS!

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Actually, it’s not quite as cliche as that description makes it sound. One of the things I was impressed with is the characterization of Max. Yes, he’s annoyed that his father is enrolled at his college, but when he finds out about Goofy losing his job, he’s understanding and sympathetic. That’s a damn likable character, there. Also, because the “extreme” phase hadn’t quite died out by the year 2000, the three teens above are all planning to participate in the college X-games. Although their snooty fratboy rivals want only to beat and humiliate them.

Honestly, this film somehow makes extreme sports tolerable and not-dumb, which is a feet.

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“As Lord Chee-to of Dew Mountain once proclaimed, Extreeeeeeeeeeeeeeme!”

I think it’s mostly because they are not the focus. Rather, the characters are. While Max learns how to be his own man while better understanding his father, Goofy gets a life lesson in letting his son go and also he does some extreme sports because of course he does. He also gets a love interest. Let’s talk for a moment about that love interest.

Guys, it has come time to discuss one of the most marginalized groups in cinema, a group whose marginalization is so severe, many continue to ignore its existence to this very day. I am speaking, of course, about cute girls with glasses. Here is Goofy’s love interest, Sylvia the school librarian.

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Notice anything about her? She has glasses. But, for the few scenes in this movie where her character is specifically meant to be attractive (as we can infer from the other characters’ reactions) what do you think is different about her?

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NO MOTHERFUCKING GLASSES!!!! Come on, seriously? Why, Hollywood, must you continue to insist that girls with glasses aren’t pretty until they take them off? It’s super insulting and completely untrue. Knock it off. It’s not cool. But otherwise, fantastic movie.

Next week, I’m sure karma won’t totally fuck me for watching two good movies this week, right?

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