The first decade of this millennium is often heralded as some sort of golden age for children’s films. Sure, most of Pixar’s best flicks came out in this period, and there were some winners in general, but I think people tend to view the films of their own childhood with rose-colored glasses. Most of these films are goddamn godawful. Just HOW goddamn godawful, you ask? Let’s find out together by checking out EVERY kids film between 2000 and 2009. From theatrical to direct-to-DVD to Disney Channel Original, we’ll look at ’em all because I am a glutton for punishment.
This week, I gotta go back a bit to one I missed and re-watch the worst movie I’ve ever seen.
ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS MEET THE WOLFMAN
So here’s the thing: I’ve been doing this review thing alphabetically by year of release, because that’s how wikipedia lists children’s films. So last week was the letter E so this week should be F, right? NOPE. Because some jackass decided to add this movie to the list sometime this week, meaning I have to go all the way back and review it. Fuck that jackass.
At the very least, at least this isn’t one of the live action chipmunks movies. That is the only good thing I can say about it. It drags on five-ever and is boring as sin to the point where its seventy-seven minute runtime felt like the full two hours. The story follows the chipmunks as they are preparing to act in a school play adaptation of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
Eh, it’s no “League of Extraordinary Gentlemen”, but whatevs.
Alvin is yanked from the role of Hyde for being an idiot, so Simon and Theodore have to take over. Simon does fuck-all in this film.
Also, Dave and the chipmunks get a new neighbor, that being Lawrence Talbot, voiced by the perfect Maurice LaMarche. If you don’t immediately recognize that name, first of all shame on you, and second of all you’d know him as the voice of The Brain. Adding to my joy is the fact that Rob Paulsen AKA Pinky voices the chipmunks’ theater teacher. Listening to their voices distracted me from the rest of this terrible movie, so thanks guys! But anyway, let’s talk about Lawrence Talbot again.
Actually, he’s probably either Lawrence Talbot Jr. or Lawrence Talbot III since his grandfather is pretty explicitly meant to be Larry Talbot, protagonist of 1941’s The Wolfman. I don’t remember Larry havin’ any kids in that flick, but whatever, suspension of disbelief. So the chipmunks are a-scared of Lawrence, especially after a mysterious “dog” bites Theodore. Twenty dollars if you can guess what happens ne– Theodore turns into a werewolf.
Who could have guessed.
No, not a were-munk, a werewolf. A were-munk would be someone who turns into a chipmunk. That is not what this is.
Eventually a bunch of stupid bullshit happens and Lawrence turns into a werewolf too.
Lawrence chases the chipmunks around until werewolf Theodore bites him and they both turn back to normal because I DON’T FUCKING KNOW!!
THAT MAKES NEGATIVE AMOUNTS OF SENSE.
Also, there are some songs sprinkled throughout that would be enjoyable if they didn’t sound like they were being sung by the air escaping from a tire.
THE FLINTSTONES IN VIVA ROCK VEGAS
Fuck this movie. Fuck it so, so, hard. This movie would be bad enough on its own, but I have now watched this motherfucker for the SECOND fucking time. The first time I watched it, which was less than six months ago, by the way, I did so because I have shitty fucking friends who find it funny to watch me watch shittier fucking movies. AS IF I DON’T WATCH ENOUGH SHITTY FUCKING MOVIES ALREADY!!
Fuck all of these people.
This time, the only way I could endure the film was by putting it on in the background while I read comic books. It was still SUPER terrible. The film follows–
Y’know what? No.
No, I’m not pretending like this garbage movie deserves to be discussed in the same manner I would discuss an actual film. Nothing is good. It’s unpleasant to look at and every character is dumb and bad and FUCK the plot and HAAAAAAAAAAAAATE.
This movie is ugly.
That is the Great Gazoo, by the way.
I hate him.
I hate him so much.
Guys, I’m crying a little bit right now.
I hate every frame of this movie. The only joke that made me chuckle was ruined half a second later because this movie hates the shit out of me. Also, I’d like to talk about one joke I hate more than any other. One joke that made me turn to a friend when I originally watched this and punch him in the stomach.
I don’t have a picture for that one, so enjoy the cover of the Dreamcast game based on this film instead.
Here is the joke:
While attending a fair or a carnival or some bullshit, Fred, Barney, Wilma, & Betty spot a sign that says “Jurassic Park: The Ride, coming soon”. Fred says something along the lines of “Who’s gonna pay to see dinosaurs? I’ve got dinosaurs in my backyard.”
Let’s break down this joke.
- Is Jurassic Park a movie in this universe?
- What is the plot of this movie, because the plot of Jurassic Park only makes sense if dinosaurs are fucking extinct.
- Why would a movie about dinosaurs be interesting when dinosaurs fucking still exist?
- Literally, what is the joke?
- No, seriously, what is supposed to be funny about any of this?
- Why am I so angry right now?
- Fuck this movie.
Here, have this, enjoy, I fuckin’ give up.
I’m done. Go home. Nothing to see here. Next week, I’ll watch some stuff that I hope won’t be this bad. Because this week was soooooooooooo bad.