The Black Box: “Cop Rock Ep. 4”

Television pilots are tough to make. It’s hard to introduce the concept and entire cast of characters of a show in one episode and still have that episode hold up on it’s own. But just because something’s hard doesn’t make it any more excusable when you fail spectacularly at doing it. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to The Black Box, where we check out pilots that crashed and burned to see exactly what went wrong.

This week, let’s get back to some Cop Rock! Oh yeah!

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If you aren’t familiar with Cop Rock or my intense love of it, you can start from the beginning here. But this is episode four, so let’s go already!

What they did wrong: Ask me that one more time and we wren’t friends anymore.

What they did right: Ok, so this episode picks up a little after the last one , with Loosecannon’s court hearing. His bail is set and he’s sentenced to jail.

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                          Mustachioed prison guard is my new favorite character.

Loosecannon’s lawyer assures him that he’ll be kept out of genpop, or general population, where all the people are because they will probably wanna murder the shit out of Loosecannon for being a cop. We get a song about Loosecannon scaring the crap out of the other prisoners and then commercial break.

Yeah, the upload I found included the commercials, so between songs and cop stuff, I got adds for old Pizza Hut promotions that have long since passed. Cool. Next, we get our B-story, which is about the Medical Examiner having to go on a diet. Not joking.

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   Thrills! Chills! Excitement!!!!

His doctor tells him he needs to drop thirty five pounds so he has to start eating healthy. This is just a scene, right? Not a full on storyline?

Nope. This is a full plotline that also gets it’s own song.

I love this show.

Also, we get a return of an old character from the first episode!

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                                              CONTINUITY!!!! SWEET!!!!!!

That’s right, it’s the drug addict and baby seller! You may remember her as the one who named her child Crystal.

She returns and tries to get Ladycop to help her get her child back. The child she sold for 200 bucks. Ladycop promises to help and brings in Captain Gravelvoice who immediately arrests the baby seller for, you know, SELLING A FUCKING BABY.

Also, at this point, we discover the show takes place in LA. Cool.

Next, the Captain puts Ladycop and Affaircop on the case of the baby selling ring. To be honest, this episode doesn’t really feel like Cop Rock so far.

We then cut to Chief Whatthefuck, who acts like a sexist psycho and also has a whip for some reason.

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                                                 Ok, now it feels like Cop Rock.

Also HOLY SHIT I DID NOT NOTICE THAT COWBOY MURAL BEHIND HIM UNTIL LITERALLY RIGHT NOW. That is fantastic.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, the best thing.

Ladycop and Affiarcop (while undercover) meet up with the dude who BUYS AND SELLS BABIES. He looks like this:

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                                       Because of fucking course he does.

He gets an entire song about he will totes sell you a baby if you want one. The song is called “The Baby Merchant”. Oh, look, what do we have here.

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There we go, award handed out for the episode. Because this song is perfectly ridiculous in the greatest way. I love it so so much.

BTW, according to the advertisements airing alongside this thing, there is/was a supermarket chain called Foodtown? I like that a lot. It’s dumb, but I like it.

Next, the Medical Examiner is called to the scene of a triple-homicide to do his job, but when he sees it took place at a restaurant, he sits down at the table and starts eating the victims’ food. This makes him the wort fucking medical examiner of all time.

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                                                                        Ew.

Next, we get some stuff where it seems Ladycop is feeling bad about cheating on her husband with Affaircop. Although, considering her husband is currently sharing a meal with three corpses, maybe she shouldn’t be? Affair cop, for his part in all this, starts getting super weird about the affair. This is interrupted by the baby merchant showing up and his ass getting arrested.

He whines about entrapment, but too fuckin’ bad. on the heals of this, the police go and find the drug addict lady’s baby. The baby has been sold to another family, who the police arrest, charging them with SLAVERY.

Cop Rock, I fuckin’ love you.

Also, we get a song about dieting and the newly plastic surgery-d mayor hooks up with Captain Whatthefuck.

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                                                       What the fuck?

So it looks like the nice time the Chief complains about the Mayor “riding his ass” that will have a new meaning. Fun.

And so concludes another Cop Rock episode! Next time, we’ll hopefully get some Officer Singsong, since he wasn’t in this episode. But next week, it’s back to shitty pilots. Here we go!

 

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