The first decade of this millennium is often heralded as some sort of golden age for children’s films. Sure, most of Pixar’s best flicks came out in this period, and there were some winners in general, but I think people tend to view the films of their own childhood with rose-colored glasses. Most of these films are goddamn godawful. Just HOW goddamn godawful, you ask? Let’s find out together by checking out EVERY kids film between 2000 and 2009. From theatrical to direct-to-DVD to Disney Channel Original, we’ll look at ’em all because I am a glutton for punishment.
This week, we have ourselves a “little” double feature.
Ha ha, we have fun.
THE LITTLE MERMAID II: RETURN TO THE SEA
Of all the Disney Sequels, this one is… well, ok, they’re all pretty forgettable but THIS IS THE ONE WE’RE TALKING ABOUT THIS WEEK.
For the second time.
Yeah, I wrote this entire review once before, only for it to not fucking save so I have to start over again. Yaaaaaaaaaay.
The plot starts nine months or so after the events of the first movie because Ariel and Eric (played by Rob Paulsen this time) have a baby. A baby named Melody. It is at this point that the writers realized “oh shit, we got rid of Ursula at the end of the last movie, what’re we gonna do now?” Instead of fighting pollution or sharks or something, we instead get our new villain Morgana who is Ursula’s sister because CREATIVITY!!
So Morgana shows up and is IMMEDIATELY rebuffed by Eric and Ariel. Even though it took literally zero effort to kick her ass, Ariel still loses her shit and builds a giant fuck-off wall around the castle so Melody and the ocean can never interact. Melody spends the next twelve years sneaking out and being in the ocean a bunch until she meets Morgana, who turns her into a mermaid.
Melody is sent to steal Triton’s Trident which she does before bringing it to Melody. Ariel shows up and Melody gets all mad at her for hiding their mermaid heritage because blah blah reasons blah.
If this doesn’t end with somebody getting goddamn stabbed, I am going to be incredibly disappointed.
So then Morgana gets all super powerful but is defeated by Eric, Sebastian, Ariel, Melody and middle-aged Flounder. It’s like a superteam, but composed entirely of Aquaman’s.
And then the movie’s over. whoopdy-doo, I am making sure it saves this time.
THE LITTLE VAMPIRE
If you just looked at the above box art and thought: “crap, where do I know that movie from?” The answer is every Blockbuster ever. I swear to god I’ve seen this dvd box more often than I’ve seen certain family members.
Based on a German book series, the film follows young boy Tony Thompson, who has recently moved from America to Scotland for… reasons. Tony starts having dreams about vampires and becomes obsessed, talking about them all the time to the point where he begins getting bullied by other children. Of course, they could also be bullying him because he looks like this:
I mean, that’s why I’D be bullying him.
One day, while dressed up as a vampire running through the woods, he meets some actual vampires, specifically Rudolph, a young boy vampire. Tony brings Rudolph home and Rudolph feeds off a cow placing a very strange gun on the mantlepiece in act one. Then, a vampire hunter shows up, wielding all sorts of technological vampire-murderin’ gear that looks like it was ripped straight from the “Confession” arc of Astro City.
Somebody better stake this kid soon.
So the kids meet up with the rest of the vampire family who help him find an amulet or some bullshit before Discount Van Hellsing shows up to spoil the “fun”. Then comes time to pay off that weird-ass plot point from act one in THE most terrifying way possible…
Guys, I’m a-scared.
The bad CGI in this is actually frightening. I don’t like looking at it AT ALL. Just look at those hideous things. Then imagine them in motion. Jesus Christ.
So Tony saves the vampire family and turns them into regular humans. The movie ignores the fact that this means he also stripped them of their immortality, which is kind of a dick move, when you think about it.
That’s it for this week, next week, probably less vampires, I’m guessing.