The first decade of this millennium is often heralded as some sort of golden age for children’s films. Sure, most of Pixar’s best flicks came out in this period, and there were some winners in general, but I think people tend to view the films of their own childhood with rose-colored glasses. Most of these films are goddamn godawful. Just HOW goddamn godawful, you ask? Let’s find out together by checking out EVERY kids film between 2000 and 2009. From theatrical to direct-to-DVD to Disney Channel Original, we’ll look at ’em all because I am a glutton for punishment.
This week, two Disney Channel Original Movies, one about God, one about occult demonic Vampires.
MIRACLE IN LANE 2
Y’know, it’s not often you find a movie that gives away its ending on the goddamn poster. But here we go. Miracle in Lane 2 tells the “true” story of Justin Yoder, a kid with Spina Bifida and hydrocephalus who competed and won in a soapbox derby. A soapbox derby, for those who don’t know, is a downhill race wherein two children each climb into boxes with wheels and subpar braking implements and hurtle down hill at breakneck speeds.
The film, which stars adorable baby Frankie Muniz, starts with Muniz, confined to a wheelchair, suffering through his overprotective family and older brother. Muniz decides he wants a trophy in something and so he turns… to God.
Yeah, this is the kind of non-ambiguously religious sentiment is really weird to see in a Disney film, especially since you’d never get something like that today. I at least admire that they gave the credit for real-life Justin Yoder’s feats to Yoder himself, not the deity he worshipped.
Muniz finds a soapbox racer in a neighbor’s garage and decides that he will become the best at that. Muniz and family build a customized racer he can operate, causing his older brother Seth to grow jealous of all the attention he’s getting. Eventually, after Muniz gets into a dangerous accident, Seth comes around and eventually gives a really nice speech about inclusion and stuff.
Muniz wins the race through divine intervention and he gets his trophy. He then speaks to God again, who shows him that, in heaven, people in wheelchairs and people without them are together as equals. Now, to me, in a perfect heavenly reality, people in wheelchairs would have their medical issues FIXED in heaven, but I guess that wasn’t a stupid looking enough effects shot to end the movie on.
MOM’S GOT A DATE WITH A VAMPIRE
Yaaaaaaay, another DCOM this week. And another movie about vampires, because that’s weird. This one was really really boring. I literally just watched it and I remember nothing about it. The plot: three children set their mother up on a date with that dude from The Nanny, only he’s a vampire so shenanigans ensue. Now it’s up to those kids to call Van Hellsing down and stop their mom from fucking a walking corpse.
Ok, that’s not directly stated, but it’s implied as shit. Also, that is literally all there is to the plot. The acting is decent enough, and the sister is played by Laura Vandervoot, who would later go on to be Supergirl in Smallville. She did a good job playing her characterless character.
This is that movie.
Be warned: THIS MOVIE IS NOWHERE NEAR AS UNINTENTIONALLY FUNNY AS THAT SCREENSHOT MAKES IT LOOK.
It is just boring. At the end of the movie, They trap the vampire and the mom and Van Hellsing decide to start dating. That is the plot. Also, I am bored as shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit. I would literally be overjoyed to talk about anything else. So here are some assorted fun facts.
Did you know: former wrestler and politician Jesse Ventura is suing the estate of American Sniper Chris Kyle?
Did you know: American forces once accidentally dropped two Hydrogen Bombs over North Carolina, one of which came dangerously close to detonating.
Did you know: I am terrible at most social interaction?
Now you know! and now I’m fucking done with this week’s bullshit. Next week, I am so excited for what I get to review! It better not disappoint me!