The Black Box: Thank God It’s February- Full House

Television pilots are tough to make. It’s hard to introduce the concept and entire cast of characters of a show in one episode and still have that episode hold up on it’s own. But just because something’s hard doesn’t make it any more excusable when you fail spectacularly at doing it. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to The Black Box, where we check out pilots that crashed and burned to see exactly what went wrong.

This week, we look at the only show I’m reviewing this month that you’ve DEFINITELY seen.

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Full House was a series focusing around a single father of three his stupid fucking kids, his brother in law, and his childhood best friend all living together in one house. said house is definitely too small and is therefore “Full”. They never explain what it’s full of, but I assume its full of the human waste these shitpigs wallow through on a daily basis. The series premiered on ABC on September 22nd, 1987 and ran eight seasons and one hundred and ninety two episodes. It was, to be moderate about it, a huge motherfucking success. But is it any good?

What they did right: The adult cast is charming enough and I always like  Bob Saget in pretty much everything always.

What they did wrong: This pilot made me hate children.

Well, more.

Now, I’m not one of those people who never wants kids. I would eventually (way goddamn further in my future, of course) totally love to have a child to raise to eventually hate me. But here’s the thing with kids: if they aren’t mine, and I don’t biologically have to love them, I just want them to fucking go away and be somewhere else.

Unless you, reader are a child yourself, in which case… no, still fuck you. You TOTALLY shouldn’t be reading my stuff at your age. Go watch Reading Rainbow or read a book about dinosaurs. Wait, those both sound like more fun than talking about Full House.

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                               None of these people are dinosaurs and that is unacceptable.

So all the children in this pilot are awful little monstrosities. DJ is whiny as shit and runs away to the garage because she has to, *gasp*, SHARE a ROOM???!!!!!!!! Oh the motherfucking humanity! She also repeatedly accepts bribes and acts selfish and shitty.

Stephanie is infuriating. She has no regard for anyone’s time and interrupts their lives relentlessly. Also, she does not tell people VITAL information just because they “didn’t ask her”. that is a DICK. MOVE. Stephanie. That’s not “cute” that’s implausibly shitty. Fuck you, you child. Fuuuuuuck Youuuuuuuuuuuu– wow, I am NOT coming off well this week.

Well, maybe it’ll get less bad for me in a second except it won’t because I’m going to insult a baby’s physical appearance.

I’m just such a great person.

Look, there’s just no getting around it. The Olsen twins grew up to be very adorable later on, yes, but as babies, they looked like literal fucking demon monsters.

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                           Less in this photo than others but this is the one I could get, ok?

These babies scare me. They scare me into the depths of my soul, where the primal lizard-brain fears lurk. Deep down. Tonight it’s not a matter of whether or not I’m gonna have nightmares, it’s how many and which one will feature an Olsen baby bursting from my chest like I’m a Nostromo crewmember. ‘Cause it’s gonna be one of ’em.

So, as long as I’m talking about things that primally fucked me up, I should cover one other thing. When someone acknowledges the fictional parenting skills of Bill Cosby, Joey shouts “Cosby? I’ll handle this!” At this moment, all the muscles in my body clenched in fear.

See Cosby? You being a piece of human shit-trash ruined Full House. It was the LEAST damaging thing your shitiness did, but you still did it. So there.

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This has nothing to do with what I was talking about, but it’s the only photo I have left so you’re gonna have to deal.

So, the show is fine or whatever. Also, my eyes hurt and I’m gonna go to bed now. In conclusion, kids are terrible, Bill Cosby Sucks, dinosaurs are cool.

G’night everybody.

 

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