The first decade of this millennium is often heralded as some sort of golden age for children’s films. Sure, most of Pixar’s best flicks came out in this period, and there were some winners in general, but I think people tend to view the films of their own childhood with rose-colored glasses. Most of these films are goddamn godawful. Just HOW goddamn godawful, you ask? Let’s find out together by checking out EVERY kids film between 2000 and 2009. From theatrical to direct-to-DVD to Disney Channel Original, we’ll look at ’em all because I am a glutton for punishment.
This Week, I review a Canadian Christmas movie and the most expensive film I’ve reviewed.
ONCE UPON A CHRISTMAS
Ok, so this is a canadian christmas movie. You can tell, because everyone has vague Canadan accents and it’s adorable. So I watched the whole film and was still kinda confused and unsure about what happened. So I did what I usually do in that instance, I went to read the film’s wikipedia page. And after doing so, I realized one thing:
Holy Shit, THIS is what I should be reviewing.
So let’s do it. Let’s review a wikipedia summary. It’ll be fun.
“After Santa Claus has noticed how many children have become naughty, he decides that he will not deliver presents to any children this year.”
Right off the bat, we have a massive dick move by Santa. Like, what the fuck, Saint Nick? Just ’cause a couple a’ kids are dick-biscuts doesn’t mean you can just fuck over the rest of child-kind. Also, pretty sure “After Santa Claus HAS noticed how many children HAVE become naughty” is grammatically incorrect.
“But his daughter, Kristin Claus, thinks there is one more chance for a Christmas.”
Again, something about that phrasing feels wrong. Like it was written by a robot failing the Turing test or something.
“Kristin took on the challenge of trying to deliver all the presents (just as her dad, Santa, would) in the Mortal World.”
WE FUCKING KNOW HER DAD IS SANTA, WIKIPEDIA SUMMARY! YOU TOLD US LAST FUCKING SENTENCE, YOU DON’T NEED TO REMIND US!
“She made a deal with people in the North Pole that she would change a family on “Santa’s Naughty List” to be on the “Nice List”.”
I didn’t realize people lived IN the North Pole. Also, What the fuck is up with the tenses in this thing, they all just feel wrong to me.
“She uses her magic to go to the Morgan house, a family of a single father and two spoiled children, and try to change them to nice.”
Pictured: a family of a single father and two spoiled children. (Child two not pictured)
“But the children are tricked by Rudolfa, Kristin’s sister, who wants to turn Christmas into a joking holiday.”
I don’t… the fuck is a “joking holiday”? Like April Fool’s Day? Because I’d consider that more pranks than jokes. Maybe Halloween?
Also, this is Rudolpha
How could any member of her family NOT know she was gonna turn out to be the villain of a children’s movie? She looks like everyone’s evil stepmother.
“Kristin was mistaken as a nanny for the children and played along with the role.”
Hello dramatic change of subject that comes right the fuck out of nowhere. So we’re talking about Kristin now? Not Rudolpha? Ok, fine. What have you got to say?
“The children begin to resent Kristin, and Kyle even told their dad that Kristin was dangerous.”
VERB TENSES!!! MOTHERFUCKING USE THEM CORRECTLY!! When a fucking creepy pasta author tense-swaps less frequently than you do, maybe it’s time to just give up on the english language altogether. Oh, right, and this is Kyle:
He looks like a douchebag because he is one.
“Kyle tries to engage Brittany into it. They treated Kristin badly and she left the Morgan house when no one was at home.”
New game: take a shot for every tense-swap. Here we go from “tries to” to “treated” in a fucking sentence. Also, way to just name drop Kyle’s sister Brittany without explaining who she is. I summarize shit every fucking week for this column and Black Box and seeing someone fuck it up this bad actually causes me physical pain.
“Bill Morgan became work-obsessed since his wife died. On a work-trip he carried along the children and their uncle and took a rest stop at a diner.”
Ah, it’s our old friend “complete and total subject change with no fucking warning whatso-goddamn-ever,” how I haven’t missed him. And wait, carried along? Did he strap them to the roof of his car National Lampoon’s Vacation-style?
“They met Kristin there (she used her magic to meet them there) and Bill convinced her to look after the children on the trip.”
I know you’re sick of me talking about verb tenses, but it’s not just the constant changing of them that bothers me. For summarizing, you aren’t really supposed to use the past-tense. It just reads weird.
“The family (and Kristen) take an unexpected detour. Rudolfa uses her magic to make a fake detour sign and sends the family in the middle of nowhere.”
You don’t need to say “and Kristin” we know she’s there because you JUST TOLD US.
“[Rudolpha] also sent an elf dressed as a deer into the middle of the road, causing them to swerve into a ditch.”
So I have a new favorite sentence of all time.
“They spend the night at a nearby old, abandoned house, where Kristin confronts Bill about his own selfish ways. The kids continue to act selfish and bratty, but Bill and Kristin don’t put up with it.”
YAAAY, correct tenses! I never thought I’d be so lucky!
“Brittany soon realizes that she is behaving bratty and makes the family breakfast-in-bed from some food supplies she found in the house.”
Awww, that’s sweet. And we’re almost at the end of the film so it should all be smooth sailing from he–
“A fire breaks out, and Kyle, the family’s son almost dies.”
Wait, what? What the fuck?
“Kristin gives her immortality to save him, but she now cannot remember her past.”
Oh My God!! You can’t just throw that shit in in the last two fucking sentences of your summary!!
Emotional fucking rollercoaster is what that was.
And there we go! That was fun, I should do it again some time. Anyhoozles, let’s get to our other movie for the week.
THE OTHER ME
I had to fucking BUY this one. Couldn’t rent it, couldn’t stream it and no copies were readily falling off the backs of trucks if you get my drift. So I own this now. It isn’t very good.
A kid clones himself. he forces the clone into slavery. The clone is a better person than he is. That is the plot.
This is that kid.
I swear, there’s nothing to talk about with these fuckin’ DCOMs. But I spent six goddamn dollars so I’m gonna talk about it. It is bad. It is a bad thing. There, I talked about it.
Look, I gave you comedy gold in that first review, I’m tapped out for the week. Move along. Nothing to see here.
Also, Allison Pill is in this. I like Allison Pill. She makes the movie tolerable.
We’re done. Go home. See you next week.