The first decade of this millennium is often heralded as some sort of golden age for children’s films. Sure, most of Pixar’s best flicks came out in this period, and there were some winners in general, but I think people tend to view the films of their own childhood with rose-colored glasses. Most of these films are goddamn godawful. Just HOW goddamn godawful, you ask? Let’s find out together by checking out EVERY kids film between 2000 and 2009. From theatrical to direct-to-DVD to Disney Channel Original, we’ll look at ’em all because I am a glutton for punishment.
This week, we play catch-up because fuck Wikipedia.
CAN’T BE HEAVEN/ FOREVER TOGETHER
So here’s the deal. For the who don’t know, the way I find what to review for this column is via the wikipedia list of children’s films released in the year 2000. which you can find here if you feel like giving yourself a little preview of the upcoming year. Unfortunately for me, someone decided to edit the page this week to make it more comprehensive. So for the next week of two, I’m gonna have to go back and watch a bunch of incredibly obscure terrible movies. Yaaaaaaaay.
First up, a movie with some notable people, dissociative identity disorder, and the greatest character in modern fiction.
So this movie has two names and I’m not sure which one is correct. The wikipedia page calls it “Can’t be Heaven” while the DVD cover and all other info about it calls it “Together Forever” which is an INFINITELY CREEPIER TITLE. Which is cool, because this movie involves ghosts.
And with the ghost comes the most famous person in this movie: Ralph Macchio. And he plays the greatest character that has ever existed.
In this image, he is the one without the saxophone.
Saxa-Ghost appears to teach the annoying child two things. First, how to play the saxophone and second, how to hit on Michelle Trachtenberg. He is better at the first thing than the second thing. By a lot. The running joke of the film is that saga-ghost, who died in the thirties or something is terrible with women. It is a kinda funny idea, especially when the child tries to follow his advice.
Fortunately, the film ends in the most juvenile fist fight i’ve ever seen take place outside of a pre-school and saxa-ghost and child both get romantic resolutions. Good for them. Next movie!!
ESCAPE TO GRIZZLY MOUNTAIN
This movie is a movie. That is literally the most I can say about it. I swear to god, this is just a Steven Seagal movie that Steven Seagal was somehow too good to star in.
Do you know how fucking bad a film has to be for Steven Seagal to pass it up? Very bad!
The production quality of Escape to Grizzly Mountain is two degrees up from fucking Cool Cat levels. It looks and is terrible. It is the first goddamn movie I’ve reviewed in this segment that doesn’t even have its own wikipedia page. It’s that bad. It isn’t worth being historically remembered in any fashion.
Also, the movie is about a boy stealing a tiny bear and going back in time.
HOW IS THAT NOT GREAT?
I DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW THIS ISN’T GREAT?
But… like, it isn’t.
Also this movie posits that circuses still existed into the year 2000, which is a thing I absolutely fucking refuse to believe.
The movie exists, that is all, next week we play catch up some more and I am still mad at whichever fucking wikipedia editor decided to fuck me over like this.