The Black Box: “Cop Rock Ep. 5”

Television pilots are tough to make. It’s hard to introduce the concept and entire cast of characters of a show in one episode and still have that episode hold up on it’s own. But just because something’s hard doesn’t make it any more excusable when you fail spectacularly at doing it. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to The Black Box, where we check out pilots that crashed and burned to see exactly what went wrong.

This week, Cop Rock takes on social themes like always. If you need a refresher course of the Cop Rock story so far, you can read ’em all here.Screen Shot 2015-09-18 at 10.58.27 PM

What they did wrong: WHAT DID I SAY? WHAT DID I SAY?


What they did right: Let’s start from the start and Oh shit–

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Yeah, we open with our award-winning song for the episode. This one is about rich, white businessmen arguing that they shouldn’t be arrested for cocaine possession because they’re white and worth a lot of money. Y’know, like cocaine.

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                                 Well, sorry discount Rick Moranis, you’re still going to jail.

The song’s refrain is the lyric “Don’t mess with my pursuit of happiness”. Which is oh so awesome. And we continue on, since one of the arrested coke addicts turns out to be the city councilman’s girlfriend. The city councilman calls up Chief Whatthefuck and threatens to absolutely slice the department’s budget if she isn’t released. Whatthefuck does so, but isn’t happy about it. But there’s one man much less happy about it:

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                                                         Captain Gravelvoice!!!!!

As we’ve established, Captain Gravelvoice is one stone-cold motherfucker. And he is pissed at this miscarriage of justice. The Chief says there’s nothing to be done, but Gravelvoice doesn’t know about that.

Next, Loosecannon:

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                                              I don’t think he’s ever lit properly in this show.

Loose cannon needs work. He needs it bad. But he is absolutely fuckin’ screwed in terms of police work, so he has to just go take what he can get. So he agrees to be a bodyguard for an event.

Story # 3:

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                                                                                Hi Billy!

So this cop has shown up a bit in the series so far, but not enough to where I gave him a name. So I’ll call him Billy. Because he just looks like a Billy, right?

Anyhoozles, Billy is approached by a movie starlet who is being stalked and harassed by an admirer. Billy and the starlet hit it off, even though the police can’t legally do anything at this point. We then cut to the event Loosecannon is guarding for. A political rally where we get a song about campaign finance donations. It’s pretty great.

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                                          Not “Fuck to the Yeah” great, but great nonetheless.

Then we catch up on drug addict mom from last episode, who is trying to get custody of her child. Wait, shit, now we’re back on Billy’s storyline. Goddamn does this episode not sit still for even a second.

Billy pays a visit to the stalker and threatens him, mostly because he and the starlet are getting cozier than two snuggling bunnies. After he leaves, the Stalker sings a song all about stalkin’.

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I’d call him “Richard Stalkins” but not even a stalker deserves comparison to that sexist human garbage pile.

The stalker goes over to the Starlet’s house, where Billy is spending the night (wink,wink) and breaks in with flowers. Billy pulls his gun and tries to arrest the Stalker, but the Starlet produces a gun of her own and shoots the stalker dead.

The police arrive and Billy confronts the Starlet, who more or less admits she was using Billy, hoping he’d kill the stalker, and when he didn’t, she did it herself. despite this being actual second degree murder (maybe first) and definitely some form of entrapment, the Starlet gets away scot-free and Billy is all sad and stuff.

Captain Gravelvoice organizes a sting to re-arrest the councilman’s girlfriend… and the councilman as well for cocaine use. While he’s in the tub, no less.

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You don’t fuck with the Gravelvoice, son.

And then to wrap it all up, we find out that drug addict mom has been given back custody of her child. Yaaaaaaay! and, in a nice callback to the pilot, we end on her singing her kid a song.

And so we end another episode of Cop Rock with STILL NO OFFICER SINGSONG.



Next time, Cop Rock, you fix that shit.

But Captain Gravelvoice is still awesome as shit.

Signing off.

EDIT: want to see what happens next? Click right here.