The first decade of this millennium is often heralded as some sort of golden age for children’s films. Sure, most of Pixar’s best flicks came out in this period, and there were some winners in general, but I think people tend to view the films of their own childhood with rose-colored glasses. Most of these films are goddamn godawful. Just HOW goddamn godawful, you ask? Let’s find out together by checking out EVERY kids film between 2000 and 2009. From theatrical to direct-to-DVD to Disney Channel Original, we’ll look at ’em all because I am a glutton for punishment.
This week, we review an Olsen twins movie and the first of many fucking Land Before Time sequels.
THE LAND BEFORE TIME VII: THE STONE OF COLD FIRE
Ah, The Land Before Time, that movie franchise that never fucking ended. Seriously, do you know when the last Land Before time movie came out? IT HASN’T YET. IT IS SCHEDULED FOR THIS YEAR. They are still making these fuckers.
Whatever, this film opens with Littlefoot and company watching a meteor descend from the sky. No, don’t get your hopes up for extinction, there are seven more of these movies, remember?
No, the end doesn’t come for our heroes. instead, a group of new dinosaurs nicknamed the “rainbow faces” appear and tell them that the meteor might be a “stone of cold fire” capable of immense power. Sidenote: “rainbow faces” would make a kick-ass name for a band, just putting that out there. Then we meet Pterano.
Spoiler Alert, he’s the villain.
Pterano is Petrie’s uncle, who was banished for being a careless idiot who got a bunch of dinosaurs killed. Wait? A villainous pteranodon who’s manipulative and self serving stalking a group led by a diplodocus?
Guys, I think The Good Dinosaur ripped off Land Before Time VII.
Everyone involved should be embarrassed. Anyway, Ducky the whateverthefuckasaur gets kidnapped and the others have to go find her and the stone of cold fire. They find Pterano and Petrie (who seems like he might be neurodivergent in some manner, I’m not sure and it makes me uncomfortable) has to deal with the fact that his uncle is a dick.
Hooray for terrible animation quality.
Blah blah adventure blah blah. In the end of this seventy four minute movie, the gang finds Ducky and the stone of cold fire and everything is good again. Pterano is punished but acknowledges that everyone must serve for his or her crimes.
And then it turns out that the rainbow faces are aliens.
Yeah, somehow alien dinosaurs doesn’t make this movie better. I don’t know how that’s fucking possible because “alien dinosaur”is among the raddest two word phrases I’ve ever typed.
Well, only six more of these fuckers to talk about for this goddamn column. Sweeeeeeet.
OUR LIPS ARE SEALED
Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen are in Australia. That is the premise of this movie, more or less. Sure, other things technically happen but they don’t really matter.
In the film, the Olsens play two twin girls who have names but literally who the fuck cares what they are so we’re gonna ignore them. The Olsens are unpopular, mostly because they can’t shut their fucking mouths. No, seriously, that’s the stated reason. They always say things they aren’t supposed to because they have no self control. Also, the beginning of the movie teaches us that they share the same dreams.
No, I don’t mean dreams as in hopes and aspirations, I mean “dreams” as in their REM sleep is apparently in sync. That’s creepy as shit.
They’re like the girls from The Shinning only markedly more terrifying.
The actual plot picks up when the two fourteen year old girls witness a jewel heist and are placed into the witness protection program. After their chatty nature accidentally blows their cover multiple times, the government agents on their case finally sticks them in Australia. Which, I’m pretty sure witness protection cannot do. Setting up US citizens with false identities inside the United States is called Witness Protection, setting up US citizens with false identities OUTSIDE the United States is called international espionage.
So Thing 1 and Thing 2 spend a long time trying to be popular in Australia and dealing with boys. Because why would this movie be any different than any other Olsen movie?
Other than the whole “they are clearly accidentally spies” thing.
Also, this movie is weird. There’s this whole sixties-esque dance number interrupted by jokes that couldn’t be more sixties psychedelia if the Olsens were doing the Batusi. Also, at one point Olsen-A asks a boy when he learned to drive and he responds “In this scene, apparently.”
FUCK YOU, MOVIE.
THAT IS NOT ‘CUTE’ THAT IS ‘FUCKING BULLSHIT’.
BE LESS LAZY, GODDAMMIT.
“Alright, you can be crummy Olsen A and I’ll be Olsen 1.”
Then there’s some stuff about surfing and the mob and I’m fucking done here. The movie’s over. Go home.
Oh, also, I’m all caught up with the wikipedia list now, so we can proceed as scheduled. Hooray!
Next week: stuff!