The first decade of this millennium is often heralded as some sort of golden age for children’s films. Sure, most of Pixar’s best flicks came out in this period, and there were some winners in general, but I think people tend to view the films of their own childhood with rose-colored glasses. Most of these films are goddamn godawful. Just HOW goddamn godawful, you ask? Let’s find out together by checking out EVERY kids film between 2000 and 2009. From theatrical to direct-to-DVD to Disney Channel Original, we’ll look at ’em all because I am a glutton for punishment.
This week, two goddamn Pokemon movies. Why didn’t I just quietly stop reviewing things? NO ONE WOULD HAVE NOTICED.
POKEMON 3: THE MOVIE
Ok, so let’s power through this first movie, which is about a delusional child and lovecraftian nether-horror. THAT SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD MOVIE. WHY ISN’T THIS A GOOD MOVIE?
We open in Greenfield, at a research station. Professor Hale and his daughter, Molly live at the station, where the professor is researching some mysterious artifacts. The professor discovers the mysterious Unown, who look like characters from an educational film teaching you about the joys of spelling.
“Can you spell ‘doom comes to all’? Because we can.”
The Unown kidnap Professor Hale and take an interest in his daughter. They keep her occupied by creating an illusory world where all her dreams come true. One of those dreams is returning her “father” to her in the form of a magical pokemon that speaks with his voice named Entei. She wishes for a castle and her mother, which the Unown respond to by creating a crystal palace Dr. Manhattan style and kidnapping Ash Ketchum’s mom.
Yeah, forgot about him, huh? No, this is a pokemon movie so Ash needs to be shoehorned in. Ash chases down his kidnapped mom and finds his way to the crystal palace, where he faces Entei, who looks like if a lion had a baby with Santa Claus.
I dare you to tell me that’s NOT what this looks like.
So Santa-Lion tries fiercely to keep Molly from leaving, but when Ash and Co. reveal that he isn’t her real father, The Unown start to lose control of the situation, risking all reality as they do. Santa-Lion teams up with Ash and force the Unown to refer to their own dimension. As they do, Santa-Lion disappears and Molly’s real father and mother appear back on earth because we gotta get to that happy ending somehow, this here’s a Pokemon movie. And then the movie ends. Yeah, it’s kinda short and light on plot.
So, to fill space, LIGHTNING COMPLAINT ROUND!!!
Why the fuck is the title “Pokemon 3: The Movie”? Why not “Pokemon 3” or “Pokemon 3: the legend of those weird-ass symbol Pokemon things”? Pokemon 3: The Movie is just SO fucking clunky.
The Unown? Really? I always it was spelled “Unknown” you know, like an actual fucking word. Until I was researching for this review an hour ago, I did not realized it was spelled like a dumbass.
There is not NEARLY enough Totodile in this movie. Seriously, look at Totodile:
That thing is fucking ADORABLE. It is CLEARLY the best Pokemon and its lack of prominence in this film can only be described as a serious and unforgivable weakness in the plot.
POKEMON: MEWTWO RETURNS
Now, you may be saying “Hey Hunter, did you just review this because, as a tv movie it was only 60 minutes long and you had less work to do?”
And to that I say fuck you, it was on the list!
So the movie its self takes place before the last one we watched but it comes second alphabetically so whatteryagonnado? In the movie, Mewtwo, who did, like, something in the first Pokemon movie (I don’t remember) has gone off to an island full of cloned Pokemon. I guess he and Ash met before but Ash got mind wiped for some-fuckin’-reason so he forgot about it.
Mewtwo and the cloned Pokemon fight Team Rocket’s head Giovanni and Ash and Co. are stuck in the middle and this movie is really boring. I don’t know how you make an hour long movie feel like it takes a workday to get through but this one figured it out.
Seriously, the only enjoyment I got out of this was that Giovanni reminded me of Ozymandius from the end of Watchmen, weird tiger creature and all.
So there’s a bunch of fight scenes and then Mewtwo and the poke-clones go off to live on there own and happily ever after happens.
Once again, NOT ENOUGH FUCKING TOTODILE. IN FACT, THIS FILM HAS NONE AT ALL.