Why, 2K?!- “Quints” and “Ready to Run”

The first decade of this millennium is often heralded as some sort of golden age for children’s films. Sure, most of Pixar’s best flicks came out in this period, and there were some winners in general, but I think people tend to view the films of their own childhood with rose-colored glasses. Most of these films are goddamn godawful. Just HOW goddamn godawful, you ask? Let’s find out together by checking out EVERY kids film between 2000 and 2009. From theatrical to direct-to-DVD to Disney Channel Original, we’ll look at ’em all because I am a glutton for punishment.

This week, holy shit do those DCOMs like to gang up on me.

QUINTS

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This moooooovieeeeeee.

What the hell, this movie?

I don’t wanna anything.

So this movie follows Jaime Grover, a typical teenage girl whose parents pay her just too much attention. She wishes to be more ignored and her wish is granted by what must’ve been the biggest dick of a genie ever. Because Jaime’s mom becomes pregnant with Quintuplets.

What follows is a riff on that Simpsons episode with Apu having Octuplets, only decidedly less funny than that episode.

Once the Quints are born, they become national celebrities and Jaime’s parents get busy managing the fame and the babies. So Jaime’s all sad and stuff that she never gets any attention from her parents anymore and tg5ttfrd ty67876556568u7y6

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                                        trt8764e456786trgu76yghbv bhgytgfvbhy

Huh? What?

Oh, shit, sorry. I totally just fell asleep on my laptop trying to review this boring trash movie.

Very sorry, might happen again.

So anyway, Jaime eventually comes to terms with her new life and blah blah movie blah.

Also, this flick does the Ferris Bueller thing of having her turn to and address the camera, but in a really annoying way.

But yeah, in conclusion, this movie is really tgif bvgyhjukjhgt7u89iujhgt56yhbn bh6yytghbnnyt6789uyhggbytgbhy7656

READY TO RUN

Disney_Channel_Original_Movie's_Ready_to_Run_-_Poster

I really want to call this movie horseshit, but I’m afraid if I do, people will assume I’m just making a dumb joke and not accurately summing up the quality of the film. So let me make this Crystal Pepsi clear:

THIS MOVIE IS SO SO BAD, YOU GUYS.

We follow a wannabe horse racing jockey named Corrie Ortiz. She wants to race horses, but since her father was killed in a freak…um… horsing accident, Corrie’s mom doesn’t want to let her ride. Corrie buys a nervious horse named Thunder Jam (or TJ) for literally a bag of peanuts and starts training him to race.

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                                            HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRSSSSSSSSSSE.

Can we break down all that dumb for a second? So she overhears Thunder Jam’s angry owner say that he’d “sell that horse for a bag of peanuts” and brings over a bag of peanuts to buy the horse. The owner gives her the horse despite sarcasm not being legally binding in literally any court or context possible in all the multiverse.

This movie is dumb.

Also, naming a horse “Thunder Jam” is a stupid thing. Just call it fucking “Horse”. It makes no difference, it doesn’t know it HAS a name, much less what that name is. Horses are like the worst animals. They’re big dumb beasts with weird muscular structure.

Also, the horse in this movie talks. And only Corrie can hear it.

Oh, did I forget to mention that one?

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                                                                  The fuck is going on in this image?

Yeah, this movie has a TALKING HORSE PLOTLINE that doesn’t surface until twelve minutes in. You can’t save that reveal, movie! You can’t sneak a talking fucking horse by me and expect me not to call that shit out, what the fuck.

So Corrie and TJ win a bunch of races, but only because they train TJ to run real good while listening to a certain song because they need to sell the soundtrack somehow it motivates him. In the final big-deal race, the mustache twirling villain tells them they can’t put headphones on the horse so he can listen to the song. So instead, Corrie jacks into the broadcast speakers for the track and blares the song like a goddamn british pirate radio station. TJ wins the race yaw movie over.

Next week, I somehow avoid bashing my own skull open and I watch two more flicks I’ll totes hate.

Also, I’ll be at Wondercon in Anaheim, California this weekend, so if you’re there and somehow recognize me,  feel free to come say hi.

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