The Black Box: “Wonder Woman”

Television pilots are tough to make. It’s hard to introduce the concept and entire cast of characters of a show in one episode and still have that episode hold up on it’s own. But just because something’s hard doesn’t make it any more excusable when you fail spectacularly at doing it. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to The Black Box, where we check out pilots that crashed and burned to see exactly what went wrong.

This week, oh god no.

Screen Shot 2016-04-02 at 8.36.28 PM

To honor my promise from last week, here’s another superhero show. A REALLY terrible one.

Wonder Woman was an unaired pilot produced with the intention of airing as a part of the fall 2011 television season on NBC. The series would have been an hour long drama series focusing on Diana splitting time between three alter egos: Wonder Woman, private citizen Diana Prince and corporate mogul Diana Themiscyra.

What they did right: Nothing, this is terrible.

What they did wrong: Let’s start at the beginning. We start on a young high school student and football star getting the news that he’s finally gotten into college. And there’s no way anything could go wrong in any wa–

Screen Shot 2016-04-02 at 8.19.40 PM

                          Aw, darn, and I cared about this fully fleshed out character so so much.

Aw, crying blood ain’t never good.

From there we cut to our hero, Wonder Woman! And she’s chasing down a bad guy on foot. For some reason, a news chopper is in pursuit to watch this foot chase between two unarmed people. But whatever, Wonder Woman!!

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                                     Pictured here after she gets hit by a car.

Wonder Woman looks actually pretty good, costume-wise. She switches between long pants and star-spangled booty shorts as the episode progresses. The actress is pretty good, though she’d be better with a non horrible script. Which isn’t the case here.

Wonder Woman uses her lasso to restrain the bad guy, yanks him towards her and…

…jams a motherfucking syringe in his throat.

Screen Shot 2016-04-02 at 8.27.00 PM                                                                                                                    Jebus…

Using the syringe she takes a blood sample against his will and this isn’t gonna get better, is it? The police arrive and ask Wondy to surrender the perp into their custody. Her response?

“If I give him to you, he’ll lawyer up.”

Yeah, that’s kinda how the FUCKING JUSTICE SYSTEM WORKS.

What alternative would you rather have?!

And what were you planning on doing if the police don’t show up, fucking murder him? Ok, Zack Snyder.

So Wondy tosses the dude to the police and runs off. In the next few scenes, we get annoying exposition via news and a truly grating Nancy Grace cameo.

God, this IS Dawn of Justice.

Also, one of the news anchors opens with the phrase “as we all know” so you know it’s good. We also get the quote ” As she Abu Ghraib’s her quarry” which…

Holy shit.

Holy shit.

Hoooooooooolyyyyyyyyyy shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.

That’s bad.

That’s really bad.

I wanna move on.

Holy christ, why is there a Dr. Phil cameo in this? And why does Wondy have a cat? I know the show makes a point of her “not having no man” or whatevs, but do they really need to hammer that stereotype home? Oh, and in the following scene, WW accuses the CEO of a cosmetics corporation of drugging and killing multiple kids, including the one from our opening. She does this despite having NO EVIDENCE.

WHICH SHE TELLS THE MEDIA.

And she isn’t immediately sued, which is hell of unrealistic. Like, I call bullshit.

NEXT

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                                       This is the polar opposite of the rest of this show.

The next scene is a three minute argument about doll boobs.

Not shitting you.

Wondy complains that the dolls boobs are too big. Another dude say it doesn’t matter. They yell about it a bunch because the show thinks this scene is clever and not really really stupid.

Doll boobs. Fuck this show.

WW then visits the dude from the opening to get evidence about the child-drugging ring. She does this by torturing the ever-loving shit out of him.

Screen Shot 2016-04-02 at 8.33.27 PM

                                                                         Our hero, everybody!

She uses this information to find the cosmetics CEO and beat her up.

Seriously though, my notes for the rest of this show just say “Fighting” and then like three exclamation points so it must’ve been quite boring.

Annd DONE! Next week, let’s do a failed kids cartoon. Maybe a superhero one. We’ll see.

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