The first decade of this millennium is often heralded as some sort of golden age for children’s films. Sure, most of Pixar’s best flicks came out in this period, and there were some winners in general, but I think people tend to view the films of their own childhood with rose-colored glasses. Most of these films are goddamn godawful. Just HOW goddamn godawful, you ask? Let’s find out together by checking out EVERY kids film between 2000 and 2009. From theatrical to direct-to-DVD to Disney Channel Original, we’ll look at ’em all because I am a glutton for punishment.
This week, the two worst movies I’ve ever seen in my entire life.
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck this bullshit goddamn movie.
This is a movie about horse slavery. Narrated by a horse. The fuck did I ever do to deserve this? No, I want you to actually point to something I’ve done in life to make me a candidate for the punishment that was this film.
Are you fucking shitting me? I am so goddamned angry right now it hurts. A HORSE NARRATES THIS MOVIE.
I do have to say, to be fair, it’s a very pretty movie. The visuals are incredibly well done.
But the pseudo-intelligent “horse narration” is insulting to watch. This movie DOES have a plot, like there are antagonists and monkeys and fighter planes but I don’t care. This boring-ass bullshit is only two steps up from literal trash. Why not make a movie about HUMAN slavery. There are kinda a lot of instances of it. But HORSE SLAVERY? NOT. A. THING.
It’s just called owning a horse.
As I’ve established, I don’t get the appeal of horses, but this film made me actively hate them.
In angry, bitter conclusion, this movie can go straight to hell.
Fuckin’ horse slavery, gotta be kidding me.
This movie is a bad musical about a scarecrow that comes to life and falls in love with a girl. Now he just wants to be a real boy.
I don’t wanna talk about this abomination to decency. It was real bad. The animation is horribly lip-synced and stuttery, the characters are flat and stupid, and the music is typical and far from catchy.
Also, this thing has a dance sequence, which is almost painfully hard to watch and patently ridiculous. It made me hate myself.
This movie was a crime. It was an attempted murder of animated cinema.
I’d rather open my wrist into a bucket of salt than ever look at this film again.
I am full exclusively of hate.
This movie disproves the existence of a benevolent god. It only serves to prove that this world is ruled by the sins of mankind, the evil that shat this movie into being lives in us all.
Everyone who didn’t actively try to stop this film from being made is at fault for its existence. We deserve this, because we let it happen.
Goddamn us all, lest it drag us down to hell alongside it.
Well, that’s it for this week, next week better be better or my next column will just be me crying into a keyboard.