The first decade of this millennium is often heralded as some sort of golden age for children’s films. Sure, most of Pixar’s best flicks came out in this period, and there were some winners in general, but I think people tend to view the films of their own childhood with rose-colored glasses. Most of these films are goddamn godawful. Just HOW goddamn godawful, you ask? Let’s find out together by checking out EVERY kids film between 2000 and 2009. From theatrical to direct-to-DVD to Disney Channel Original, we’ll look at ’em all because I am a glutton for punishment.
This week… oh jesus fuck, THIS WEEK.
TITANIC: THE LEGEND GOES ON
My friends are dicks.
I love ’em to death, but oh my god, do they apparently enjoy subjecting me to the worst films possible. So this week, when some pals o’mine (and official certified Friends O’The Site™) came out to visit me and we watched this thing together.
AND THANK FUCK FOR THAT.
Seriuously, if I’d had to watch this thing without them, I don’t think I could’ve made it through the damn thing.
Titanic: The Legend Goes On might actually be more horrifying of a tragedy than the actual sinking of the Titanic. At least those people got a nice boat ride before they were subjected to something horrible. I’m devoting my ENTIRE column this week to this garbage fire. It’s that bad.
So we started on this movie later than we intended because we spent the first ten minutes watching the WRONG shitty animated Titanic movie because we are bad at things, apparently.
First things first, the animation is sea-sickening. We saw Hardcore Henry that night and I had less problems with motion sickness. The character designs are really truly terrible.
Every thing is bad, ok? That could be my entire review.
Everything is bad.
WE OPEN ON A TRAIN!!!!!!!
On the train is our protagonist, Girl. (No I don’t remember her name and I’m not gonna look it up). Girl misses her mom who she never met, (she was presumably a virgin birth, because we don’t hear word one about her father) and is raised in service to her evil stepmother.
Lemme guess, this movie is gonna be Cinderella, only at midnight, instead of her carriage turning back into a pumpkin, everybody fucking dies in the Atlantic.
We also see a very rich young man board the ship, alongside his maitre d-lookin’ assistant who might as well be named Ga–
Wait, motherfucker’s ACTUALLY NAMED Gaston?
Stereotypes exist for a reason, I guess?
So Guy and Gaston board the Titanic alongside many others. Girl is on the way there until she spots a bunch of mice dressed in proportional clothes, which she begins talking to.
I was gonna call that fucking insane, but I realized that if I saw a bunch of mice dressed like humans, I’d probably also assume they could talk.
Everyone gets on the ship and we meet all the talking animals including some SU-per racist mexican mice.
I knew Speedy Gonzalez, Speedy Gonzalez was a friend of mine. You, sirs, are not Speedy Gonzalez.
We also meet a dog who raps. In 1911.
The sinking of the Titanic is now justified.
What fresh hell is this?
I… I don’t know what else to say about this scene. Just look at that screenshot. It’s so pandering, I keep expecting Poochie to show up.
Let’s talk about another problem this film has, IT’S SO QUIET!!! Like, no one recorded crowd sounds or background noise. It’s really just eerie. Like a ghost ship.
Also, the relationship between Guy and Girl is creepy as shit. Like 50 Shades creepy, if not worse.
Also, none of the mains die in the sinking ship, just a bunch of poor offscreen poor people, who weren’t lucky enough to have films made about them.
I could talk about this movie for another ten thousand words but I should probably cut it off here. This movie sucks, here’s some nightmare fuel.
Next week, I’ll review something else, I guess or whatever.