Television pilots are tough to make. It’s hard to introduce the concept and entire cast of characters of a show in one episode and still have that episode hold up on it’s own. But just because something’s hard doesn’t make it any more excusable when you fail spectacularly at doing it. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to The Black Box, where we check out pilots that crashed and burned to see exactly what went wrong.
This week, guys, you should know the drill by now.
If you aren’t familiar with Cop Rock or my intense love of it, you can start from the beginning here.
What they did wrong: YOU ARE JUST DIGGIN’ THAT HOLE DEEPER, AREN’T YOU?!!!
What they did right: We start with Officers Singsong and Needsapartner clearing out homeless people from under an overpass. Then everybody starts singing and dancing. Wow, this show is something.
The song’s pretty good too. Not award worthy, but good nonetheless.
From there we cut to Loosecannon and his attorney girlfriend, who he’s pissed at because reasons.
Next up, Ladycop and Affaircop respond to a disturbance. A dude with a very fucking obvious gun in his pocket is being’ all shouty and when the cops show up, he shoots Ladycop in the knee before Affaircop takes him down.
Back at headquarters, Singsong approaches Captain Gravelvoice and complains about being made to roust homeless people. Gravelvoice essentially says “eh, whatareyagonnado?” and shrugs it off.
Awww, I hate it when my two favorite characters fight.
Singsong and Needsapartner get dispatched to go move more homeless people and they do, only to find one of them dead. Singsong is disheartened by this and the response and decides to try and make a difference.
He picks one homeless guy and takes him to lunch, hoping to help him turn his life around. He learns slowly though that maybe this guy is homeless not because of accident but because of his clear mental issues.
Very realistically portrayed mental issues.
This isn’t a fun episode.
Moving on, he said while scrambling to find something funny to talk about, we go back to Affaircop, who’s singing to Ladycop over a montage of their relationship while she lays in the hospital.
SHE GOT SHOT IN THE KNEE. SHE’LL BE FINE. SHE DOESN’T HAVE FUCKING OVARIAN CANCER FOR GODSAKE.
Buuuuuuuuuuuuuut, her husband the Medical Examiner hears the song. At which point I legitimately yelled out “Oh Shit!”
I might be way too into this show.
In another continuing storyline, Chief Whatthefuck is preparing to go away for the weekend with the Mayor and is nervous about it. To help him, his assistant presses a button on his desk and a trio of backup singers comes out of the closet where the Chief keeps his robot bandit.
…That is a sentence I just typed.
They all sing a song about how to love a woman or whatever. Later, when Whatthefuck and the Mayor go camping on their date, the Mayor reveals she’s still a virgin, which Chief Whatthefuck gets creepily excited about.
He also uses the phrase “you were saving yourself for me” which, um, ew?
Lastly lets cover Loosecannon’s plotline for the ep.
“It’s This American Life, I’m your host Officer Loosecannon filling in for Ira Glass…”
Loosecannon meets with his new PR team, there to make him seem like a hero before his trial. They sing about it and all play instruments. and it’s pretty great. But not quite great enough for–
I’m sorry, did someone just sing the lyric “You’re gonna be bigger than Oliver North?”
Loosecannon goes on a talk radio show, where he tells a racist trying to agree with him to fuck off. It is a beautiful moment. He talks about his personal philosophy as a cop and the difference between racism and what he felt were his motivations for the shooting in episode one. And that’s where we end.
But that’s it for this week. Next week, another pilot. Next month, more Cop Rock.