The first decade of this millennium is often heralded as some sort of golden age for children’s films. Sure, most of Pixar’s best flicks came out in this period, and there were some winners in general, but I think people tend to view the films of their own childhood with rose-colored glasses. Most of these films are goddamn godawful. Just HOW goddamn godawful, you ask? Let’s find out together by checking out EVERY kids film between 2000 and 2009. From theatrical to direct-to-DVD to Disney Channel Original, we’ll look at ’em all because I am a glutton for punishment.
This week, my eyes bleed.
STEPSISTER FROM PLANET WEIRD
Goddamn these fuckin’ DCOMs. Every time, they are far too boring to talk about. Like, I’m gonna summarize this movie, sure, but it’s sooooooooooooo boooooooooring.
The movie follows Megan. Megan’s parents are recently divorced and she’s living with her mother. One day, Megan’s mom meets a very excitable, childlike guy named Cosmo. She falls instantly in love with him.
Now, I dunno if I’d assume Cosmo was a space alien from his behavior, but I’d certainly assume some… other things about him? The kinda things that would make a fully grown adult woman dating him more than a little morally questionable. But Cosmo has a daughter named Ariel and she and Megan don’t get along, WACKY HIJINX!
What a surprise.
They both seem to dislike each other and not want to be step siblings. They also both have diaries because that is a thing I’ve been told all girls do even though I’ve yet to actually meet a girl who’s told me she had a diary.
Also, I’d like to address the fact that this movie pulls the bullshittiest trick of bullshitty tricks. Here’s how it works:
First, we see everything from Megan’s perspective with Megan’s narration. Then, we REWIND and see everything again from Ariel’s perspective with HER narration. This is called “padding out your fucking movie with the same fucking footage twice because fuck you, audience, we could give a shit about being interesting as long as we come in under budget.”
Also, the CG in this made my eyes hurt. I swear to christ it looked like a fucking Animorphs book cover.
Yeah, the aliens are secret bubble people with freeze ray weapons. Still a boring movie. That I had to buy because it was not available otherwise. Fuck this. NEXT MOVIE!
A SUMMER TALE
So I couldn’t find this one anywhere to watch. But, it does have a wikipedia page. and HOLY SHIT is that wikipedia page a winner. So, instead of doing what I did last week and reviewing a movie Google Play suggested instead of this one (which woulda been Corvette Summer with Mark Hamil) I’m gonna break down this amazing wikipedia summary. It is short, but amazing. Also, I found multiple different sites displaying images from this movie, but they were all versions of the same exact image, so I’ll just be posting those as we go.Here we go!
The fuck is a “summer child”? And these sure are names. How does one even pronounce Yngve? According to google text to speech, it is pronounced “Inggg-ve” Which I guess makes sense? Sure, let’s say that makes sense.
” [E]very summer [Yngve] takes children to his home, but it has been bad earlier years.
Wait, how? How has it been bad? HOW HAS IT BEEN BAD?? This is vital information that you are glossing over, wikipedia editor!!! I must know!!!!!!! Because “it has been bad” is not a phrase I like to see when it’s talking about taking children into one’s home for unexplained reasons.
This summary is scary as shit.
“In the beginning Mårten and Annika don’t like Yngve, but they love each other more and more and they also start liking Yngve. Maybe he isn’t as bad as they think?”
Pffffffffffffft ahahahahahahahahahahahahah!!! I’m sorry, I’m sorry, this is goddamn hilarious and I can’t explain why. ESPECIALLY in a professional, unbiased, detached wikipedia article. They have guidelines and shit. How did this slip through?
“This summer’ll move everything in their life for all future.”
I have no idea what that means. None at all. They are words, of that I am certain, but the order of them above is confusing to me.
And there we go! Hooray for me not actually having to watch two movies this week.