The first decade of this millennium is often heralded as some sort of golden age for children’s films. Sure, most of Pixar’s best flicks came out in this period, and there were some winners in general, but I think people tend to view the films of their own childhood with rose-colored glasses. Most of these films are goddamn godawful. Just HOW goddamn godawful, you ask? Let’s find out together by checking out EVERY kids film between 2000 and 2009. From theatrical to direct-to-DVD to Disney Channel Original, we’ll look at ’em all because I am a glutton for punishment.
This week, Thank god these were short.
THE TANGERINE BEAR
The Tangerine Bear is only forty eight minutes long. Thank you, sweet lord in heaven for that one. Whenever I see a movie for this column that’s less than seventy minutes, i let out a little squeal of joy. Also, this one’s a Christmas movie, and I like Christmas movies. Usually.
The plot follows a bear made in a toy factory who was a factory defect. His mouth was sewn on upside-down, giving him a little frown. This is kinda adorable. The bear goes unsold because of this and winds up thrown in a box of junk and given to an antique store owner named Mr. Winkle, which sounds weirdly dirty.
Like, if I were to tell you a film called “The Tangerine Bear” features a character named “Mr. Winkle” with no other context, you’d probably make all kinds of assumptions about what kind of movie this was all on your own.
Mr. Winkle has two other toys, a jack in the box and a cuckoo clock.
The Jack in the box is played by Howie Mandel, who disappointingly does not angrily shout at the bear asking whether or not he’s going to take the deal. His problem is that the bells on his hat no longer make noise and not, as one would assume, that he is a fucking jack in the box and who the fuck wants a fucking jack in the box unless you’re the resident of a haunted house or an Astro City-based vigilante?
The bird in the cuckoo clock is played by David Hyde Pierce who is literally incapable of not just sounding exactly like David Hyde Pierce. IN-CAPABLE. It’s really funny. His problem is that he’s agoraphobic so he doesn’t like to come out of his clock when the hour strikes.
The trio spend a lot of time in the window of the shop, so much so that the bear begins to get sun damaged, giving him a light orange (or tangerine) coloration.
The bear, henceforth referred to as Tangey, gets all sad and stuff that no one will buy him. After growing closer with the other toys and Mr. Winkle’s dog, Virgil, he starts to dream of having a home. One day, a very rich toy collector comes in, seeking to buy the toys because, as factory defects, they are very valuable.
As a guy who knows a couple of things about toy collecting, I can definitively tell you this is very much not true. It’s not enough for a thing to be rare, other people have to actually want it for it to be valuable.
But Mr. Winkle tells the man, who is so rich he actually has a fucking monocle, that the toys are his family and he won’t sell them. Tangy realizes that… he’s been home all along.
Hang on… *sniff*
Just, uh, just had something in my eye there.
So there we go! Harmless movie overall, maybe worth a watch. If you enjoy doing controlled substances while watching weird movies, this is one for you. It’d probably be really funny that way.
Ugh, I should take my own advice on that one. This column might be more bearable if I was sub-orbitally high while watching these things instead of suicidally sober.
THOMAS AND THE MAGIC RAILROAD
This movie is fucking insane. Alec Baldwin is in it. This makes no sense. He plays a character I guess, but it is weird to hear him be so upbeat nonetheless.
I am tired right now. I would have written this sooner but I was busy today and now it is late and I am a tired person. So this will be shorter than normal. Blame the people who kept me busy today. They are the worst people. Person. People. I’m tired.
Here is a picture:
This movie is ridiculous and would probably be really funny to watch if you were in a group of people who like bad movies. because this is a bad movie.
Here is another picture:
I am going to bed. In conclusion, this movie is bad. I’m gonna sleep now. Sorry this is probably not the best review, but y’know, whatever.