The first decade of this millennium is often heralded as some sort of golden age for children’s films. Sure, most of Pixar’s best flicks came out in this period, and there were some winners in general, but I think people tend to view the films of their own childhood with rose-colored glasses. Most of these films are goddamn godawful. Just HOW goddamn godawful, you ask? Let’s find out together by checking out EVERY kids film between 2000 and 2009. From theatrical to direct-to-DVD to Disney Channel Original, we’ll look at ’em all because I am a glutton for punishment.
This week, I am bored but these movies are mediocre.
THE TIGGER MOVIE
The Tigger Movie, otherwise known as “holy shit, I really do have to avoid typos in this review”. The movie is part of the popular Winnie the Pooh franchise, and as such has all the familiar faces you know and love. By which I mean “Eeyore is in it”
Eeyore is unquestionably my favorite thing about this movie. I love him so much. And not just because he’s voiced by Optimus Prime himself, Peter Cullen.
But on to the plot! Tigger is lonely and wants to meet his family, the other Tiggers. Tigger goes looking for the Tiggers and–
y’know what, I can’t do this. The word Tigger is stress-inducing to type. I’m just gonna do something real quick. Hang on a moment.
So Ti**er decides to throw a party and invites all the other Ti**ers to come hang out. Unfortunately, as Pooh and the gang realize, there are no other Ti**ers, just the one, so they all dress up like Ti**ers (so, stripeface?) and show up at the party.
Ti**er realizes the ruse and gets upset, storming off into the woods to find his real family. The gang chase after him an, after some peril is avoided, Ti**er realizes that he’s been with his family the whole time. D’aaaawwwwwwwwwwwww.
Shut up, I’m not tearing up.
Look, let me have this! My brother blocked me on Twitter today, I need some form of familial attachment!
So the movie ends and it was… ok, I guess? like, it’s a fine enough film. Kinda funny, Eeyore is rad, but that’s about it.
This movie is actually too boring to review. Like, it’s apocalyptically boring. There is literally zero interesting about it.
It is your prototypical spacey-space movie with a weirdly high body count and it stars Matt Damon.
I know, sounds like it should be interesting, right? And a cool title, too!
But no, this movie makes me want to double feature paint drying and grass growing because it’d be far more interesting to sit through.
I’m actually bored making fun of this movie, I didn’t think that was possible.
Also, the soundtrack is so painfully “the year 2000” it regressed me back to kindergarten.
Can I talk about something else? To take the focus off my crippling boredom? How about how I’m currently reading the classic DC Comics series “The War That Time Forgot” which was just about World War 2 soldiers fighting dinosaurs. Although for the first few issues, characters keep referring to themselves as “fighting the last battle of the dinosaur age”which feels like that weird Back to the Future note about re-titling it “The Man From Pluto”.
That’s a real thing.
But yeah, this movie is mind-numbingly boring. Like, my mind is currently numb from said boredom.
Fuck it, I’m done.
Boring movie, that’s it.
Next week, we close in on the end of the year 2000. Sooooooooooooon.