Why, 2K?!- “Atlantis: The Lost Empire” and “Back to the Secret Garden”

The first decade of this millennium is often heralded as some sort of golden age for children’s films. Sure, most of Pixar’s best flicks came out in this period, and there were some winners in general, but I think people tend to view the films of their own childhood with rose-colored glasses. Most of these films are goddamn godawful. Just HOW goddamn godawful, you ask? Let’s find out together by checking out EVERY kids film between 2000 and 2009. From theatrical to direct-to-DVD to Disney Channel Original, we’ll look at ’em all because I am a glutton for punishment.

This week, a great movie and a clusterfuck. You know the drill.

ATLANTIS: THE LOST EMPIRE

AtlanticLostEmpire2

I did not expect this movie to be this good. Because I actually had a shit-ton of fun with this one. The film is beautiful, full of enjoyable characters, and just generally a fun-ass time. Made me very happy.

The film takes place in 1914 and omigod I AM ALREADY HAPPY. Seriously? 1914? No kids movies take place in the 1910s. And certainly none of them have the goddamn amazing visual design that this Mignola-inspired flick does.

So in 1914 Milo Thatch is a linguist and cartographer sent alongside a top secret mission to recover the lost city of Atlantis. His accomnyment? the hard-assed Commander Rourke (PS, anyone named Rourke is always going to turn evil. Al…ways), the hilariously downplayed italian explosives expert Vinny, the immensly likable Doctor Sweet, the badass mechanic Ramirez, the creepy but lovable Mole (voiced by Corey Burton, who’s owned my heart since his portrayal of Shockwave), and many others including comic legend Jim Varney in his last performance as Cookie.

Atlantis-The-Lost-Empire-atlantis-the-lost-empire-34260201-1920-816

Upon reaching Atlantis (or what remains of it) Milo and company meet Atlantian Princess Kida and the adventure progresses from there. and what an adventure it is. This is one of those rare kids movies that doesn’t feel like it’s pandering in the slightest. It just feels like it’s good.

And the visuals are motherfucking glorious. I could stare at these vehicle designs forever.

8103_1

                                                         I’m not drooling, you’re drooling.

But yeah, watch this damn movie. It’s good as hell. Now let’s get to the OTHER movie of the week.

BACK TO THE SECRET GARDEN

Unknown

This movie is unfairly boring. Like, unreviewably boring. I have no words to describe it because every time I do, my eyes glaze over and I take a nap on instinct. Fuuuuuuuck this movie, I don’t wanna talk about it.

back-to-the-secret-garden

The film is a sequel to The Secret Garden, a movie I never saw or gave any degree of a shit about and I’m not going to start shit-giving now. Nope. I’m just gonna blankly sit here and be mad at this movie.

I saw Poster last week, that was fun. Too bad it’s tanking at the box office though. I liked it.

I had a great April Fool’s column idea today and I need to remember it for when I can use it in seven months.

hqdefault

IT’S JUST SO POORLY PACED AND BORINGLY MADE. I swear to christ, I’m shocked that screenshoting this film doesn’t just result in a solid beige frame. It’s so boring, Titan A.E. seems like a worthwhile watch in comparison. It’s so boring, I was bored by it and I’m the most boring person in the universe.

IT IS SO BORING, IT PRODUCES HOLES IN ANY FLAT SURFACE UPON WHICH IT IS PLACED.

(get it? boring as in– oh you did get it. well fuck you, I thought it was funny.)

It’s so boring that… Yeah I’m done now.

SPECIAL NOTE THING: There will be no new updates for the next two weeks. I am going on a much needed vacation and posting will be impossible during that time. I’ve pre-written columns for Dailysuperheroes.com so if you like my writing, you will be able to find it there for the time where I’m not posting here. I love you all, and can’t wait togged back to writing for y’all.

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s