The first decade of this millennium is often heralded as some sort of golden age for children’s films. Sure, most of Pixar’s best flicks came out in this period, and there were some winners in general, but I think people tend to view the films of their own childhood with rose-colored glasses. Most of these films are goddamn godawful. Just HOW goddamn godawful, you ask? Let’s find out together by checking out EVERY kids film between 2000 and 2009. From theatrical to direct-to-DVD to Disney Channel Original, we’ll look at ’em all because I am a glutton for punishment.
This week, two talking animal movies in a row so that’s a thing I had to watch.
CATS & DOGS
Oh hey, I kinda remember this movie! That’s so cool be be actually talking about a movie I remember for once.
I mean, I didn’t LIKE it, but at least I remembered it. Major improvement.
Ok, so this is a movie that trades on the idea that cats and dogs are locked in a perpetual fight for dominance via two major espionage agencies. Which sounds like it couldn’t possibly be boring but shocker of all shocks it somehow is. We open with a long, dreary, elaborate slapstick sequence of a dog chasing a cat.
Well, you can’t say this movie doesn’t deliver on its promises. Just that it doesn’t deliver WELL on those promises. The dog is cornered by a bunch of cats and is…
Well, ok, the movie says that the dog is “catnapped” but that is fucking dumb. He was dognapped BY cats. “Kidnapping” isn’t when a bunch of children take an ADULT hostage.
So after this opener, we meet our protagonist, Lou.
Who’s a cute little puppy? Is you? Is you a cute little puppy? Yes you is!
um, a-hem, sorry about that.
So Lou winds up getting accidentally enlisted in the dog secret agency. I honestly don’t remember if they even HAD a name. The Woof.B.I maybe? I’m going with that.
So Lou, (played by Tobey Maguire for some freakin’ reason) is drafted into the Woof.B.I. in order to help stop Mr. Tinkles, an evil cat trying to make all humans allergic to dogs. Tinkles is doing this by attempting to steal a potential cure to dog allergies being invented by Jeff Golblum.
Who is the definitive best part of this movie. Truth.
Also, Mr. Tinkles is terrifying.
This movie has some of the most terrifying puppeteering work I’ve ever seen. but at least the CGI stuff looks bett–
DR. DOLITTLE 2
Holy shit, Eddie Murphy!
Remember him? He used to be in movies!
Man, what a throwback, I feel like a Buzzfeed writer right now.
Well, I mean, except that I have a soul. (Only kidding Buzzfeed, you do you).
So This movie is kinda super boring. Suuuuuuuuuuuuuuper boring. But y’know, whatever.
It revolves around Eddie Murphy trying to get two bears to fuck.
I mean, more stuff technically happens but it isn’t of note. Norm Macdonald and kevin Pollak make appearances, elevating this thing far above where it would be otherwise.
Because otherwise it would be very very terrible.
I mean, it kinda still is, but it coulda been worse.
Aaaaaaand that’s it for this week, you all have fun Pokemon Go-ing or whatever, I’ve got more terrible movies to watch.