Why, 2K?!- “The Flintstones: On the Rocks” and “Franklin’s Magic Christmas”

The first decade of this millennium is often heralded as some sort of golden age for children’s films. Sure, most of Pixar’s best flicks came out in this period, and there were some winners in general, but I think people tend to view the films of their own childhood with rose-colored glasses. Most of these films are goddamn godawful. Just HOW goddamn godawful, you ask? Let’s find out together by checking out EVERY kids film between 2000 and 2009. From theatrical to direct-to-DVD to Disney Channel Original, we’ll look at ’em all because I am a glutton for punishment.

This week, of course the one of these I WANTED to watch is the one I couldn’t find.

THE FLINTSTONES: ON THE ROCKS STAGE FRIGHT

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Well I’m mad. Flintstones: On the Rocks was touted as a funny, adult animation-skewing attempted reinvention of the classic cartoon, but because it was considered “too adult” Cartoon Network seems to have had it scrubbed from the internet entirly. So instead, we’re gonna watch a movie I’ve wanted to see for a while but never got around to.

Stage Fright is a slasher movie musical. It does not quite live up to it’s promise. I’m gonna say this right now. I liked this movie. You probably won’t. It’s not nearly scary enough to be good as a horror movie and the musical element feels underdone. It seems like if they’d gone full horror comedy with this one, it would have been better and, while it threatens to take the film in that direction on more than one occasion, it sadly doesn’t pull the trigger.

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The film follows Camilla, a teenager working as a cook in her adopted father’s musical theater summer camp. Camilla’s birth mother was a famous actress who was murdered on the opening night of her play, The Haunting of the Opera.

Oh man, I wonder what established musical we’re going to be homaging for the remainder of this movie? It’s a complete mystery to anyone.

So when the theater camp decides to put on its own production of The Haunting of the Opera, Camilla decides she wants to play her mother’s role. Unfortunately, someone dressed as the play’s villain, the creatively named Opera Ghost, is killing campers.

Stage-Fright

If you’re a pure slasher movie fan, you might have fun with this one. The kills are creative and brutal, the story plays out in a way where, while I did figure out who the killer was before the film told me, I was only about five minutes ahead of the movie, which isn’t too bad.

The songs are fun, but they aren’t up to musical quality, which was disappointing. Every once in a while, they have some truly clever moments, and the song the killer sings over the end credits is legitimately great, but for the most part it sadly misses out on the bombast and wit it could have had.

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But overall, the weird visual design and adherence to slasher movie tropes gives this one a unique charm. I’m glad it exists, but I wish the premise of slasher musical had been better explored.

But hey, if you need something to absent mindedly throw on while you are recovering from San Diego Comic-Con contracted illness like I am, it’s worth your time.

FRANKLIN’S MAGIC CHRISTMAS

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Ugh, even at 55 minutes this was a slog to get through. These are the worst kind of kids movies, the kind that aren’t even outlandishly bad, just soul-crushingly boring.

Plus I’m sick. And quite honestly fuck that shit.i wanted to just lie back and recover in peace, but this is misery inducing.

I don’t even remember what happened in this thing. And I JUST finished it. I don’t even know if I remained conscious through the whole thing.

Franklin loses his favorite stuffed dog. And his grandma makes him feel better. and then he finds the dog and he and his sister learn a lesson about sharing or some shit.

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Ok, I talked about this fucking bullshit thing long enough. I’m going to nap and be sick now.

Talk to you all this weekend. Hope I feel better then.

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