The first decade of this millennium is often heralded as some sort of golden age for children’s films. Sure, most of Pixar’s best flicks came out in this period, and there were some winners in general, but I think people tend to view the films of their own childhood with rose-colored glasses. Most of these films are goddamn godawful. Just HOW goddamn godawful, you ask? Let’s find out together by checking out EVERY kids film between 2000 and 2009. From theatrical to direct-to-DVD to Disney Channel Original, we’ll look at ’em all because I am a glutton for punishment.
THE HAPPY CRICKET
Remember last week where I said I was sick and that hopefully I would be all better by the following week? Well fuck you, I’m not. I don’t know how a cold can make me feel this goddamn awful.
It feels like I have one of those diseases that shits in your soul. Like a soul-shitting disease? Is that a thing? It sounds like a thing.
The movie is The Happy Cricket which is like staring into the yawning abyss of pure, unrefined boredom. Like, holy screaming shit is this movie boring. This seems like the fake kids movie playing in the background of a much better TV show.
Every frame of this film fades from my memory faster than it does from the screen. I don’t know what’s happened so far and I don’t know what’s continuing to happen before my eyes.
It is an excellent motivational tool, however, because you’ll do ANYTHING to stop the boredom. I personally sent three uncomfortable work-related texts I’d been putting off writing and read three chapters of a book I’d long since put down, all as an excuse to distract myself with anything even moderately entertaining.
I’m partially convinced it will actually drive me beyond insanity with boredom. I’ve checked fivethirtyeight’s election prediction four times in the last hour!
Normally I only check it ONCE an hour.
God, I was gonna watch all of The Staircase today. looks like that’s not happening. Fuck.
If I still feel this sick a week from today I swear to god I’ll…
…Like, MAYYYYYYYYYYBE go see a doctor or something. Don’t hold me to that one.
HOLIDAY IN THE SUN THE ART OF THE DEAL
So once again we’ve hit a movie that simply does not exist anywhere I could find it. Which is annoying, because I managed to find last year’s Olsen Twins movie. But instead this week I decided to finally check out Funny Or Die’s Donald Trump movie. And it was… fun, but maybe only for me.
The film, set up as being a film made by Donald Trump immediately after the publication of The Art of the Deal, is a drawn out parody of the man that dredges up some of his more morally despicable actions. It’s pretty fun and I had a great time with it.
Johnny Depp plays Trump in what is honestly the best thing he’s been in this decade, using heavy makeup and clear impersonation skills to come off as a caricature , but an incredibly funny one. The rest of the 50 minute special is basically a cameo-fest featuring people like Paul Scheer, Patton Oswalt, Stephen Merchant and so many others. I don’t want to give away to much of this film because a lot of the time, the very appearance of an actor coupled with the reveal of what role they’re playing constitute some of the biggest laughs.
It’s short and sweet, full of absurdities and almost too obvious winks at the audience, but the strongest jokes come from the premise. This isn’t supposedly a film ABOUT Trump, it’s supposedly a film BY Trump. and it is made to look like it. The overelaborate title sequence and the fake closing credits actually gave me some the biggest laughs of the movie, just in how its made and the purposeful low quality.
It’s also weird as fuck, and I am totally ok with that. Alf shows up.
While I’m not a devoted Funny or Die fan, I do tend to enjoy whatever I’ve watched of theirs and the next time they make something as weird as this, I’m definitely in to check it out.
Next week, maybe both the movies I want to watch will actually be available for me to watch, wouldn’t THAT be something?