Why, 2K?!- “Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius” and “Kingdom Come”

The first decade of this millennium is often heralded as some sort of golden age for children’s films. Sure, most of Pixar’s best flicks came out in this period, and there were some winners in general, but I think people tend to view the films of their own childhood with rose-colored glasses. Most of these films are goddamn godawful. Just HOW goddamn godawful, you ask? Let’s find out together by checking out EVERY kids film between 2000 and 2009. From theatrical to direct-to-DVD to Disney Channel Original, we’ll look at ’em all because I am a glutton for punishment.

This week, Science vs Religion. A theme, I like it.

JIMMY NEUTRON: BOY GENIUS

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This is the first one where I have to worry about nostalgia goggles. I watched the tv show this spun off of all the time as a kid, and have seen this movie a number of times before.

Objectivity… I can do this.

This movie is fun. It’s not great, I wouldn’t go out of my way to recommend it like i would for some of the films I’ve had to watch for this (Road to El Dorado, Emperor’s New Groove, etc.) but if you really want to go back to it, you won’t be disappointed.

The movie follows Jimmy and his classmates having to rescue the parents of their town from aliens lead by Sir Patrick Stewart who is the best. Seriously, so good. The films itself is enjoyable enough, and I admit I have a soft spot for movies in which groups of normal people have to gear up and save the world, so I had a decent enough time with this one.

Admittedly not all the jokes land, but most do, and I will stand by Carl and Sheen as two of my favorite characters in this era of Nicktoons. Seriously, They’re like if you made Bill and Dale from King of the Hill into characters aimed at children.

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                                                               Sheen is obviously Dale.

But while Jimmy is overshadowed by his friends, he’s still a character it’s easy to relate too, and he avoids coming off as smug and conceited, which would be easy to do. The movie does drag towards the end and I have some minor gripes, but it’s short enough so I dunno.

Minor Gripes:

First of all, you can’t put “We Got the Beat” AND “Kids in America” in your movie. I know they are technically different songs, but put them both in the same movie and they become indistinguishable. If you’re picking one, pick “Kids in America”. it works best with your overall theme and I personally like it more.

Also, were there NO teenagers in this town? Or for that matter, anyone between the ages of ten and thirty-five? Because Jimmy and his classmates seem to be the oldest people not abducted. And that is illogical. Also, I’m assuming a shitload of infants died during this movie. In between when all the adults disappeared and when they, a full week later, returned. Many dead babies.

And I’ll leave you with that thought. Because I love you.

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KINGDOM COME

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Ooh, I love this one! So in the near-ish future, Superman has gone into retirement following an incident in which a new, more violent hero named Magog publicly executed The Joker to mass celebration. After a nuclear incident involving Magog and Captain Atom that annihilates Kansas, Superman must come out of his exile and band together the classic DC heroes to go toe-to-toe with the new wave of anti-her–

What?

What d’you mean, “Wrong ‘Kingdom Come’?”

Which one is this one?

What?

Fine, ok, whatever. Apparently there’s also a movie from 2001 called Kingdom Come. It isn’t very good, nor is it a kids movie.

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Like, I’m legitimately not sure why it’s on this list. Yeah, no one says the word ‘motherfucker’ but that doesn’t automatically make it a movie for children.

In the film, the patriarch of a large extended family dies and his relatives have to come together to get over their collective grief.

Also, they all hate him.

See, doesn’t sound like a kids movie. Also, a lotta gospel, which I like, but not a musical. seems like a wasted opportunity. I want every movie to be a musical though, so I might be biased.

Loads of talk about adultery and prison sentences in this movie too. It is also based on an off-broadway play. What about this made it seem to some wikipedia editor like it was a children’s movie? I actually don’t know. yeah, it’s rated PG, but that doesn’t– y’know what, I give up. I guess everything that isn’t rated at least PG-13 is a kids movie now.

Temple of Doom? Kids movie. Gremlins? Kids movie. Poltergeist? Kids movie.

Man, looking at that list, the PG-13 really WAS necessary.

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Whatever, this movie exists, it’s fine. Just not a children’s movie.

Next week, two animated sequels. so I have that to look forward to.

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