The first decade of this millennium is often heralded as some sort of golden age for children’s films. Sure, most of Pixar’s best flicks came out in this period, and there were some winners in general, but I think people tend to view the films of their own childhood with rose-colored glasses. Most of these films are goddamn godawful. Just HOW goddamn godawful, you ask? Let’s find out together by checking out EVERY kids film between 2000 and 2009. From theatrical to direct-to-DVD to Disney Channel Original, we’ll look at ’em all because I am a glutton for punishment.
This week, I’m back and what the fucking fuck did I come back to?
THE JAR: A TALE FROM THE MIDDLE EAST
For those who don’t know, I pick the movies for this column using the wikipedia list of all the kids films of the 2000s. Which, by the way, you can find here if you want to follow along at home. So, every once in a while some shitbird will go back and add films to the list and I’ll have to go back and review something before I can move on.
This week, someone added this cinematic clusterfuck to that list. And so I watched it.
The Jar is a Syrian movie. It took me forever to find any available version of it to watch. And when I did, that version was NOT IN ENGLISH. I actually don’t know what language it was in. Maybe french? Probably not french. I don’t know. Point is, I watched an hour and three minutes of poorly animated trash in a language I don’t understand for you. You’re welcome.
The movie itself is fucking insane to watch, especially when the dialogue is nonsensical. Also, it is terrifying to look at.
Watching this film was essentially just me scrolling through twitter and then occasionally looking up and being alternately horrified or confused by what was happening onscreen. Here’s some screenshots.
You see? This thing is viscerally unpleasant and would feel incredibly racist if I didn’t know it was in fact a Syrian Production. But the movie itself, according to wikipedia is about the following:
“Based on a true story that was narrated over 1400 years ago, The Jar deals with the epic struggle between good and evil, and highlights the ethics and virtues every family values. Set in a Middle Eastern village, the story of the jar begins when a poor yet virtuous family discovers a lost treasure buried in a jar under their new home. In their quest to return the jar to its rightful owner, a jealous and greedy neighbor who has his eye on the jar foils their attempts. A fascinating adventure ensues as the towns-folk try to solve the mystery of the jar. There are also two mice who steal the family’s eggs, but are defeated by the family’s pet squirrel.”
Ok, as someone who’s watched the fucking movie, there ain’t no epic struggle between good and evil here. You wanna see the “epic struggle”?
There. That is the epic-ist this struggle gets.
The film is also somewhat of a musical, which is balls to the wall confusing. Especially the one musical number that suddenly seems to take place in the present day.
My roommate commented that this thing looked like the Legend of Zelda CD-I Games and holy sweet fuck is that the most accurate analogy I’ve ever heard.
So yeah, this thing is the worst and I hated watching it.
But at least it when it ended, I–
You have to be shitting me…
THERE WAS A FUCK-SHITTING ENGLISH VERSION OUT THERE? ARE… ARE YOU GODDAMN MOTHER-FATHERING CORN-FARMING KIDDING ME?????!!!!!
I just watched and hour and fifteen minutes of movie in a language I DO NOT SPEAK and there was a version of it IN ENGLISH?
I’m done. I– I’m out. Review over. No more talking about this. Too mad.
LADY AND THE TRAMP II: SCAMP’S ADVENTURE
Well, this sure was a movie. Pretty short, not bad but also not excessively memorable, had some songs I liked. Hard to say more than that.
The movie follows up on the first Lady and the Tramp, following the family the two dogs have started in the years since the original. Also noted, how have we never had a charming romantic comedy called “The First Lady and the Tramp” about a president’s wife falling in love with a roguish layabout? That is an idea I will sell for money, Hollywood. Call me.
This movie our protagonist is Scamp, a young puppy who wants to see the world. He feels confined to the house and wants adventure. I bet you can’t guess what happens in the rest of this movie.
Unless you guessed that Scamp runs away and finds new freedom which he enjoys at first but eventually comes to realize is a mistake at which point he heads back to his family who he now appreciates, but with a lessoned degree of freedom oh and also he finds love along the way. If you guessed that, which you did, then you’re right.
Pictured: finding love along the way.
But yeah, this movie is pretty formulaic and predictable. Not bad though. Just ok. It is shockingly difficult to either analyze or make fun of a movie that is simply decent. So I just tend to babble for a bit before coming up with an ending joke and a photo to make it seem like you’ve gotten some closure out of this.
Also, they redo the train scene from Stand By Me, so that’s pretty rad.
That’s it for this week! Next week, another friggin’ Land Before Time movie.