The first decade of this millennium is often heralded as some sort of golden age for children’s films. Sure, most of Pixar’s best flicks came out in this period, and there were some winners in general, but I think people tend to view the films of their own childhood with rose-colored glasses. Most of these films are goddamn godawful. Just HOW goddamn godawful, you ask? Let’s find out together by checking out EVERY kids film between 2000 and 2009. From theatrical to direct-to-DVD to Disney Channel Original, we’ll look at ’em all because I am a glutton for punishment.
This week, it’s Ireland vs Scotland in a weird-ass double feature.
THE LUCK OF THE IRISH
Because I guess the Disney Channel needed something to run on St. Patrick’s Day.
Kyle Johnson loses his lucky coin one day because apparently that’s a normal thing for a high school boy to have.
This also comes with the revelation that his mother is Irish. She tells him that she kept this information from him to protect him from anti-irish discrimination.
In… 2001. I’m pretty sure even fifteen years ago, we were about a hundred years out from “irish need not apply”. I mean, even the movie points out how ridiculous of an explanation that is.
Oh but not to worry because Kyle is turning into a leprechaun. Because his mom is a leprechaun. And his grandfather is an evil leprechaun.
Kyle learns a valuable lesson about heritage and about fighting evil leprechauns and then he plays basketball, but as a leprechaun.
This movie is teen wolf. But if teen wolf was a leprechaun.
It’s a fine movie I guess, coulda been worse. These Disney Channel Original Movies are so formulaic and boring they are really had to talk about. Why can’t I get just one really crazy one?
Like, one DCOM that milks a national tragedy or clumsily handles a social issue? Come on, I’m dyin’ over here.
MARCO POLO: RETURN TO XANADU TRAINSPOTTING
Ugh, sooooooooo good.
Like, this is one of those Netflix-queued movies I’ve always meant to watch and this week I realized I could do a cute little gimmick with the whole Irish v. Scots thing and so I’m watching Trainspotting.
Or rather, I watched Trainspotting. Which was great.
The movie is a harsh, gross, yet some how really fun movie about heroin addicts in Scotland. It is a tough movie to watch in parts but you keep going because oh my god it’s so good.
The detox scene in this movie is referenced constantly across pop culture and with good reason because it’s fantastic.
I want to say so much about it but going in blind makes the film as a whole better. Ewan McGregor nails his character so well, it’s downright impressive.
I… I can’t say more good things. It’s just enjoyably dirty.
Filthy, in fact. Which makes sense because it’s based on a book by the same author as Filth, which is so friggin’ great too.
I have a weird thing for dirty-fun UK centered crime movies. (or centred). And this is one of those movies that will clearly influence me for a long time coming.
So Scotland wins. Hands down. Thanks for trying Ireland, hopefully you’ll get a better movie next time.
Next week, we get weirder. I know you don’t think that’s possible. But it is.