The first decade of this millennium is often heralded as some sort of golden age for children’s films. Sure, most of Pixar’s best flicks came out in this period, and there were some winners in general, but I think people tend to view the films of their own childhood with rose-colored glasses. Most of these films are goddamn godawful. Just HOW goddamn godawful, you ask? Let’s find out together by checking out EVERY kids film between 2000 and 2009. From theatrical to direct-to-DVD to Disney Channel Original, we’ll look at ’em all because I am a glutton for punishment.
This week, a surreal voyage through my own descent into madness.
MVP: MOST VERTICAL PRIMATE BRONSON
Welp, now I know what Tom Hardy’s dick looks like.
…So since I’m assuming literally everyone just clicked off this review to go watch this movie, I guess I can say whatever I want, since no one’s reading anymore.
I’ve never been a fan of internet memes. Every time a skateboarder passes me I secretly want to trip them. Suicide Squad was marginally better than Batman V. Superman. Making a Murderer bores me to tears.
I feel 100% certain that none of those unpopular opinions are going to come back and bite me because no one saw them. They are all skipping through Bronson right now curiously looking for Hardy-dick. It’s cool. I get it.
But I guess we can talk about the movie anyway.
The film, directed by Drive’s Nicolas Winding Refn, follows the man known as Charlie Bronson, a career criminal who relishes his time in prison and constantly acts out to get sent back there. The film is frigging insane to watch on multiple levels. The weird shifts in reality that are constantly in play result in a surreal experience that makes you question your own sanity as well as that of the protagonist.
But agains, who cares because no one is reading this. I could reveal a bunch of embarrassing secrets and no one would ever know.
Once, I cracked a toilet lid because I lept on top of it in fear after seeing a spider.
Weird weird movie, this one. Like look at that screenshot weird. Worth a watch though. But you already did. And I can’t blame you for that.
MY LIFE AS MCDULL
This movie was in chinese and I understood not a word of it. I watched it though.
I watched ALL OF IT.
Do you understand how boring it is to watch a shitty kids film that isn’t EVEN IN THE LANGUAGE YOU SPEAK!
It is INFURIATING!
And there’s nothing I could say about it other than that.
So yeah. Once again, this review has NO READERS because they are all busy frantically searching for a frame of naked Tom Hardy. So I’m gonna cut this one short.
Next week, some more stuff! Woo.