Why, 2K?!- “Osmosis Jones” and “Pokemon 4Ever”

The first decade of this millennium is often heralded as some sort of golden age for children’s films. Sure, most of Pixar’s best flicks came out in this period, and there were some winners in general, but I think people tend to view the films of their own childhood with rose-colored glasses. Most of these films are goddamn godawful. Just HOW goddamn godawful, you ask? Let’s find out together by checking out EVERY kids film between 2000 and 2009. From theatrical to direct-to-DVD to Disney Channel Original, we’ll look at ’em all because I am a glutton for punishment.

This week, I get to watch movies I like so yay!

OSMOSIS JONES

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Holy shit, this one was an unexpected fun time. Like, at least three separate people told me it would be, but at this point I’m kinda jaded when it comes to kids movies.

But no, they were right, this movie is fuckin’ fun.

IT IS A MOVIE WHERE ROBOCOP AND AXEL FOLEY SOLVE A CRIME INSIDE A HUMAN BODY.

How can you NOT enjoy that?

I submit that if you do not, you are not a person who likes fun. You are a funhater. One who hates fun.

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                                                     Pictured: fun, which you apparently hate.

The film follows Osmosis Jones, a white blood cell cop living inside of Bill Murray– I mean Frank. Jones is disgraced following a fuck up (which in context was probably the right decision) brought on by his loose cannon attitude.

After Frank is invaded by a vicious new viral infection named Thrax, Jones must team up with Drix, a medication also introduced into Frank’s body. And I wasn’t kidding when I said this was pretty much just a Robocop/Beverly Hills Cop crossover movie. It is so much fun and I love it.

Plus, it includes one of my favorite background jokes of all time. The following:

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Heh.

I love cop movies, and this is a pretty charming cop movie disguised as a kids movie. kind of like a proto-Zootopia. and of a similar level of fun if not of social commentary.

A really solid cop movie that also functions for children, if you can get past the of-the-time soundtrack, which you should be able to very easily, you picky asshole, you will enjoy this one immensely.

Funhater.

POKEMON 4EVER LEGALLY BLONDE

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I’d love to be able to blame my girlfriend for this one. I really would. But it was kinda already on my Netflix queue and would have come up in this column one day or another, she just pointed it out while I was scrolling aimlessly through Netflix looking for a movie under two hours.

So Legally Blond, what did I think?  Well, I kinda sorta really liked it. Look, I like courtroom stuff. I like courtroom and legal stuff a ton. I listened to a podcast for law students for three months, you guys, I’m a mega dork.

So the film follows Elle Woods, a fashion student and sorority president at the fictional CULA (wowzers, I wonder wherever that could possibly be a reference to). When Elle’s boyfriend Warner dumps her for not being “serious” enough for her, she decides to follow him to Harvard by getting into their law school. So she bails on shitty CULA (what, I’m not bitter, it’s not like they rejected me or anything) and gets into Harvard Law School.

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While there, she has trouble fitting in at first until her hard work and sharp mind allow her to excel. Eventually, using a combination of her law skills and personal knowledge, Elle successfully solves a case and catches a killer on the stand like she was Phoenix Fucking Wright.

And therein is why I liked this movie. It’s a movie where the supposedly ditzy party girl is anything but. Elle isn’t a “dumb blonde” who smartens up, she’s portrayed as a uniquely keen girl who just applies her brilliance in an unrecognized area. She’s always hyper capable and smart, her character flaw being that she remains hung up on others for much of the film. And most importantly, she doesn’t have to give up that fun sorority girl knowledge to succeed. In fact, it’s that very knowledge that saves the day in the end.

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So in essence, it’s a really funny movie that also feels really refreshing and enjoyable. I had a good time with it and watching it means I didn’t have to watch another motherfucking Pokemon movie so I thank my lucky stars for that one.

Next week, I have to go back and play catch-up again god fucking dammit.

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