The first decade of this millennium is often heralded as some sort of golden age for children’s films. Sure, most of Pixar’s best flicks came out in this period, and there were some winners in general, but I think people tend to view the films of their own childhood with rose-colored glasses. Most of these films are goddamn godawful. Just HOW goddamn godawful, you ask? Let’s find out together by checking out EVERY kids film between 2000 and 2009. From theatrical to direct-to-DVD to Disney Channel Original, we’ll look at ’em all because I am a glutton for punishment.
This week, fuck you wikipedia editors. Fuck you so hard.
HALLOWEENTOWN II: KALABAR’S REVENGE
Why did someone have to go back and add this fucking movie to the list? It wasn’t goddamn there last week, I can sure as shit tell you that. But nooooooooo, I just HAD to watch this boring unfun mess.
So our main character is Marnie, because that’s a name. She lives with her grandmother Aggie (also a name) and they are both witches I think although Marnie doesn’t seem very good at it. During a halloween party, Marnie decides to try and impress a boy named Kal by showing him all her grandma’s witch shit. But it turns out Kal is actually the son of Kalabar, the evil villain which… oh my god, whosoever could have possibly seen that coming? Like, what possibly could have given that away? That Kal and Kalabar could have been related? You’d have a better chance of finding Jack the Ripper’s true identity.
So things go bad and Marnie has to venture into Halloweentown for what I’m guessing is the second time to save the day and something something whatever. But Kal has stolen Aggie’s spellbook and has used something called “the grey spell” which makes everything just kinda shitty and also turns all the monsters human.
Because how awful would that be. But hey, turns out you can reverse the effects of the spell by saying the word “apart” backwards.
What… what a foolproof spell, that one is. Completely unstoppable curse. Good job Kal.
Also, the effects in this hurt me. Like, they’re better than most other DCOMs and the costume work is pretty solid, respectable even, but the early days of CGI make portions of this movie into nightmare fuel.
Scary scary nightmare fuel.
THE POOF POINT
Have you ever wanted to watch a movie in which two grown adults uncomfortably play children for most of the runtime? Well boy howdy do I got a film for you.
So yeah, this film follows the kid from Hounded and his sister and their scientist parents. The two parents are your classic too-busy scientists who are both working on time travel theories. The duo go to test their time machine for the first time, but it backfires and causes the two to begin de-aging at a rapid rate.
This forces Hounded-kid and his sister to come to terms with the fact that their parents used to be kool teenz just like them. Wow, how original.
It’s too bad there’s never been another, much better movie with that message and concept. Wherein a teen has to watch his parents as teenagers and gets to see a whole new side of them. Maybe a movie with time travel elements?
Yeah, too bad that movie doesn’t exist.
But the rest of the film is just straight-up boring. And weird. I don’t really enjoy watching adults act like children. I just find it kinda uncomfortable.
But yeah, that’s a movie I watched.
Thank god this week is over, because next week, no DCOMs! Hooray! I’m excited!