The first decade of this millennium is often heralded as some sort of golden age for children’s films. Sure, most of Pixar’s best flicks came out in this period, and there were some winners in general, but I think people tend to view the films of their own childhood with rose-colored glasses. Most of these films are goddamn godawful. Just HOW goddamn godawful, you ask? Let’s find out together by checking out EVERY kids film between 2000 and 2009. From theatrical to direct-to-DVD to Disney Channel Original, we’ll look at ’em all because I am a glutton for punishment.
This week, we’re back after a long LONG break.
SCOOBY-DOO AND THE CYBER CHASE
Yeah, sorry about being gone so long. I’ve had a hectic month. And between being sick and spending time with my girlfriend and watching the United States as a whole collapse signaling the end of the world as we know it, I shockingly haven’t had time to watch shitty movies. Weird, right?
But we have started up again with a movie I practically know by heart at this point, I’ve seen it so much. It’s my favorite Scooby-Doo movie. It also falls into one of my favorite genres, the genre of “information superhighway” movies. an information superhighway movie is a movie about computers made by people who don’t understand computers. Usually people in them refer to the internet as the “information superhighway”
This movie follows the Mystery Inc. gang as they go to visit an old high school friend of theirs who’s a game designer for a local university. This raises the question “are any of the gang actually in college”? Because i don’t think they are. How are they making a living off of this? I don’t even know if you can get paid to “solve mysteries” but even if you can, I’m sure as shit that income isn’t enough to support four people and a dog. I write for the internet and my income could barely cover a fish.
The gang discover that someone is using a sentient computer virus to sabotage their friend Eric’s game, so they stick around to solve that mystery. But the virus winds up getting them stuck in Eric’s video game, which they must beat to escape. And, say it with me now, if you die in the game, you die in real life!
So they play through the game, bond as friends, and solve the mystery. Fun times.
It’s a fun little Scooby-Doo story, if one that SERIOUSLY shows its age. This thing’s fifteen years old now and oh jesus fuck I feel old.
That’s SO MANY YEARS. And I have done SO LITTLE WITH THEM.
I kid, I kid. But in all seriousness,if you have nostalgia for this movie, give it a re-watch. I wouldn’t otherwise, because it’s not GREAT, but it’s good enough to send to warm tingle of remembrance down your spine.
SEE SPOT RUN
So, I’m not, like, a “language police-y” person, but they use the word “retarded” like, a lot. Like, A LOT a lot.
Like, an “I had to triple check what fucking year this came out in” amount of uses of the word “Retarded”.
So the movie is about Agent 11, the fifth coolest Eleven I can think of, who is a dog. a dog who is also a cop. A cop dog. Eleven devours the testicle of a mob boss (not making a joke, this is literally the plot) and is put in dog witness protection (see previous footnote). He escapes and winds up in the mail truck of Gordon and his neighbor’s son James. The duo protects the dog and teaches him to have fun. Because police dogs aren’t allowed fun.
Also, his owner is Michael Clarke Duncan who honestly deserved better than this movie. Like, SO MUCH better.Motherfucker was nominated for an Oscar.
This movie is boring as shit. Like, I guess I watched it, but it’s completely unmemorable.
I could talk about anything right now and it would enrich your life as much as watching this movie, if not vastly more so.
My girlfriend and I are Re-watching Batman: the Brave and the Bold currently. That’s pretty fun. Next week is the Ted Kord Blue Beetle episode. Pretty psyched to get to it.
Saw the first episode of that Amazon series Bosch today. That was pretty good. Might watch more of it.
I like you guys, you’re cool.
Welp, that’s it for this week, next week, I’ll write a thing because I am getting BACK ON TRACK I SWEAR. Also, I may have something special for this weekend, we’ll see.