Why, 2K?!- “Twas the Night” and “Voyage of the Unicorn

BEFORE WE GET INTO THIS: I have a kickstarter that’s currently searching for funds. It’s for a comedy web series about friends and interventions, so if you find this thing I do funny, consider throwing us a few bucks, I’d really appreciate it.  https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/708820076/youve-got-a-problem?ref=user_menu

The first decade of this millennium is often heralded as some sort of golden age for children’s films. Sure, most of Pixar’s best flicks came out in this period, and there were some winners in general, but I think people tend to view the films of their own childhood with rose-colored glasses. Most of these films are goddamn godawful. Just HOW goddamn godawful, you ask? Let’s find out together by checking out EVERY kids film between 2000 and 2009. From theatrical to direct-to-DVD to Disney Channel Original, we’ll look at ’em all because I am a glutton for punishment.

This week, Bryan motherfucking CRANSTON!!!!!

TWAS THE NIGHT

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Holy shit YES Bryan Cranston!!!!! LOVE that guy. Also, Christmas, nice timing movie!

Twas the Night is a Disney Channel Original Movie (DCOM for those in the know) released to coincide with the wintertime holiday period. The film follows Danny Wrigley, a 14 year old douchebag who scams his adorable speech impedimented little brother and smarter than him little sister. His parents don’t approve of his schemes, leaving him with only one family member who gets him: his con artist thief Uncle, Nick.

Played by Bryan fuckshitting Cranston. Who OWNS this role. Like, he is incredibly fun to watch as Nick, a thief with a heart of… well, more thievery. When Nick and Danny accidentally knock out Santa Claus, they set out to help make christmas happen anyway. Well, Danny does, Nick just uses Santa’s gear to steal more efficienctly.

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But eventually Santa and the other two Wrigley children find them and Danny renounces Nick and his evil ways. Nick eventually redeems himself too, and gets the Christmas present he always wanted: a new guitar. One thing though. Santa signs the gift “To my favorite naughty-boy” which makes me uncomfortable.

Movie, please don’t encourage me to kinkshame Santa Claus, because I TOTALLY WILL, I just won’t feel good about it.

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But yeah, the movie’s kinda fun, mostly due to Cranston’s performance. And the fact that they call out the hyper advanced computer they use to find Nick as having a whole terabyte of storage on it. The hard drive on the desk in front of me has 4 terabytes of storage. It was the smallest one they sold.

THE VOYAGE OF THE UNICORN

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FUCKING LET ME DIE!!!!

END IT.

END IT ALL.

WHAT IS LIFE BUT PAIN?

JE-sus fucking christ this sucked. And it was three fucking hours long. THE THINGS I DO FOR YOU PEOPLE!

I don’t even know what happened in this… thing. It was honestly like watching a child play with toys for three hours and trying to interpret it into a cohesive plotline.

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There’s a boat and a minotaur and a sphinx and i wanna go to sleep. This physically hurt me. It damaged my body and mind in equal measure.

Hate.

HAAAAAAAAAAAAATE!!!!!

RAGE SCREAMING!!!

There. Review over. So much of my life wasted. So much it saddens me. High fantasy three hour bullshitfest over.

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Next week the end of 2001! And the start of a brand new year of shit-trash kids films. I can’t wait.

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