Why, 2K?!- “Atlantis: Milo’s Return” and “Balto II: Wolf Quest

BEFORE WE GET INTO THIS: I have a kickstarter that’s currently searching for funds. It’s for a comedy web series about friends and interventions, so if you find this thing I do funny, consider throwing us a few bucks, I’d really appreciate it.  https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/708820076/youve-got-a-problem?ref=user_menu

The first decade of this millennium is often heralded as some sort of golden age for children’s films. Sure, most of Pixar’s best flicks came out in this period, and there were some winners in general, but I think people tend to view the films of their own childhood with rose-colored glasses. Most of these films are goddamn godawful. Just HOW goddamn godawful, you ask? Let’s find out together by checking out EVERY kids film between 2000 and 2009. From theatrical to direct-to-DVD to Disney Channel Original, we’ll look at ’em all because I am a glutton for punishment.

This week, a shitty sequel to a great movie and a shitty sequel to a movie that might be good I guess, I wouldn’t know.

ATLANTIS: MILO’S RETURN

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God dammit I was excited for this one. The first Atlantis was a wonderful surprise that I wasn’t prepared for. I liked it. I liked it a lot. It made me happy. This one did not do those things.

From frame one of footage it’s clear this one is a massive downgrade from its predecessor. The quality is far far worse, no shading, block coloration, simplified character designs, and much of the voice cast not returning tells us that everything is not gonna be ok with this one.

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So Team Atlantis heads out to check out reports of the Kraken appearing, thinking it might be an ancient atlantean war machine gone rogue, they head out to deal with it, and do. And then I noticed that there was still like an hour left.

So then the team headed to the southwestern United States and face off against some dust wolves in Arizona. I’ve been to Arizona, dust wolves would only be an improvement. after beating the dust wolves and their master, the save the day. And then I noticed there was like a half hour left.

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Then the team goes to deal with Norse mythology and they meet Odin. Also they raise Atlantis and woo yay credits roll thank christ.

So you might have noticed that this film seems really disjointed. Like it was actually three episodes of a failed tv series knitted together into a feature OH WAIT that’s exactly what this is. Exactly.

Yeah, if you’re feeling some Atlantis-talgia, stick to the first one. Don’t give this a look.

BALTO II: WOLF QUEST

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How in the shit do you make a bad movie called Wolf Quest? Those are two totally awesome words!! How is this movie boring?!

Because this movie is Reeeeeeeeaaaaaaallllllllyyyyyyy boring. In it, Balto has a daughter who looks like more of a wolf than a dog. So she is discriminated against. That’s right, you thought Zootopia was the first movie to tackle racism through cartoon animals? Naw, man, Balto II: Wolf Quest had that shit on lockdown 14 years early.

This movie sometimes looks really good! Surprisingly good even:

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Other time, it…uh… doesn’t.

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Like, those don’t even look like the same movie for gods sake.

So yeah, this is a movie. It’s excruciatingly boring to the nth degree. Watching it is like viewing  a paint drying exhibition. And I don’t wanna talk about it any more than that.

Next week, we get to watch a movie I actually like a lot. and one I’m afraid of.

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