The first decade of this millennium is often heralded as some sort of golden age for children’s films. Sure, most of Pixar’s best flicks came out in this period, and there were some winners in general, but I think people tend to view the films of their own childhood with rose-colored glasses. Most of these films are goddamn godawful. Just HOW goddamn godawful, you ask? Let’s find out together by checking out EVERY kids film between 2000 and 2009. From theatrical to direct-to-DVD to Disney Channel Original, we’ll look at ’em all because I am a glutton for punishment.
This week, one of my favorite movies from childhood and AAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!
BARBIE AS RAPUNZEL
This is the second Barbie movie I’ve had to watch for this column and holy shit I can’t handle how scary it is. It is a terrifying nightmarescape of horrors that I cannot handle.
Look, the only important thing about this movie is that the wikipedia summary is NINE paragraphs long. That’s just straight up not ok. This movie has more words written about it than some real people. People who aren’t terrifying to look at. There is a reason I’m not showing screenshots yet, and that’s because once I do, only screams will come out from my brain.
This movie sure does have a plot, but it’s too convoluted to care about AND it sure as shit isn’t the plot of Rapunzel. So yeah, that’s the movie. And you should thank god we made it through this without showing any screenshots because– oh no HERE THEY COME!!!
NO GOD!!!!!!!!!! NO GOD WHYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY DO I FEEL PAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNN??????????!!!!!!!!
THIS IS WHAT FEAR TASTES LIKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BIG FAT LIAR
God I watched this movie SOOOOO MUUUUUCH as a kid. But always on TV so I think this is the first time I’ve ever seen the first half. But the last act is permanently burned into my brain and has definitively influenced things I’ve written since then.
The film follows Jason Shepard a young sociopath with a compulsive lying streak who will lie about anything for literally no reason. you know, like an insane person. On his way to turn in the last english paper he needs in order to not have to go to summer school, he bumps into hotshot film producer Marty Wolf. Jason accidentally leaves the paper in Marty’s car and Marty reads it, interested. Jason has to take summer school but is shocked to see a trailer for Marty’s new movie… only to see it’s a straight adaptation of his english class story.
Jason gets pissed and decides to prove that he wasn’t lying and Marty stole his idea by traveling to LA with his best friend Kaylee to commit multiple felonies and ruin Marty’s life.
Let’s look at a brief list of all the crimes Jason and Kaylee commit throughout the course of this film’s runtime:
-Trespassing (multiple counts)
-Identity Theft (multiple counts)
-Stalking (multiple counts)
-Breaking & Entering
-Attempted Murder (Three counts)
-Blackmail (multiple counts)
-Property Destruction (multiple counts)
-Conspiracy to commit multiple crimes INCLUDING murder
Also, YES THREE COUNTS OF ATTEMPTED MURDER. Making someone jump out of a helicopter holding on to someone with a parachute BUT NOT HARNESSED IN is attempted murder. So is tampering with someone’s brakes even if only to attach them to the horn. SO IS attempted drowning via the flash flood effect on the Universal Studios Hollywood Tour.
Also, I know this is unrelated but the fictitious film Big Fat Liar has a trailer in theaters before the script is done? OR EVEN BEFORE IT’S STARTED FILMING? ARE YOU SHITTING ME? THIS IS NOT HOW ANYTHING WORKS.
Otherwise though, this movie is great. Seriously, it’s really fun and the whole cast gives wonderful performances that are really enjoyable to watch.
Seriously, check it out!
Next week, two movies I’ve never fucking heard of. So that’ll be fun.