The first decade of this millennium is often heralded as some sort of golden age for children’s films. Sure, most of Pixar’s best flicks came out in this period, and there were some winners in general, but I think people tend to view the films of their own childhood with rose-colored glasses. Most of these films are goddamn godawful. Just HOW goddamn godawful, you ask? Let’s find out together by checking out EVERY kids film between 2000 and 2009. From theatrical to direct-to-DVD to Disney Channel Original, we’ll look at ’em all because I am a glutton for punishment.
THE CAT RETURNS
SURPRISE STUDIO GHIBLI MOVIE!!!
Yep, that’s right, I wasn’t expecting that either this week, but here it is. The Cat Returns was directed by Hiroyuki Morita and was released one year after Spirited Away by Studio Ghibli meaning it kinda got swept away from public memory which is a shame because it’s a really good time (and I think I might like it more).
The film follows Haru, a young girl who can talk to cats, although she’s spent years repressing this information. She saves a cat and winds up bumbling and accidentally accepting the marriage proposal of one of it. Because the cat is a prince.
I like this movie.
She is whisked up into the cat kingdom and adventures are had by all before she is returned safe and sound with newfound confidence. But SUIT CAT IN TOP HAT WITH A CANE.
This movie is pretty and weird and I liked it.
But like, saying too much about it ruins the what-the-fuckery of it.
So there you have it, a weird-fun movie that is super enjoyable.
Check it out!
CINDERELLA II: DREAMS COME TRUE
Fuck you for doing this bullshit again!
This whole “it’s actually three segments that have nothing to do with each other whatsoever” thing? Yeah, I remember Atlantis: Milo’s Return. And, although I can’t find confirmation of this anywhere, I would be shocked if this wasn’t also just three episodes of a proposed and canceled Cinderella TV show.
Segment 1 features Cinderella learning how to be a Princess after her marriage to Prince Charming.
Segment 2 is about a mouse who becomes a human.
Segment 3 is about one of the stepsisters, Anastasia redeeming herself and finding love.
All are boring.
And they made me more bored than usual.
There’s really nothing I can say about these movies at this point. there’s no discussable through line or anything. it’s just three shitty cartoons that have nothing to do with each other.
Welp, next week more movies I’ve never heard of, I hope their good.