Why, 2K?!- “The Climb” and “Clockstoppers”

The first decade of this millennium is often heralded as some sort of golden age for children’s films. Sure, most of Pixar’s best flicks came out in this period, and there were some winners in general, but I think people tend to view the films of their own childhood with rose-colored glasses. Most of these films are goddamn godawful. Just HOW goddamn godawful, you ask? Let’s find out together by checking out EVERY kids film between 2000 and 2009. From theatrical to direct-to-DVD to Disney Channel Original, we’ll look at ’em all because I am a glutton for punishment.

This week, a film that makes me ill and one that contains Blink-182 so really same diff.

THE CLIMB

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A short preamble before we discuss this one: I got nothing against religion. It’s not an especially big part of my life, but if it makes someone a better person, I am all for it. However, the creepy evangelism of christian cinema IS something I have a problem with. Movies like this are heavy handed and only exist to re-affirm the beliefs of the viewer, while shaming anyone who disagrees. Also, they love their stereotypes. I don’t like these movies. So let’s talk about one.

The Climb is bad. It’s really bad. The film follows two mountain climbers. The selfless, christian, perfect white dude and the selfish, god-rejecting, boastful black guy.  Yes, this IS one of those kinda movies. Lets just call them Christian and Heathen, because that’s all this movie really cares about.

So the duo are paired together on a big mountain climb and Christian tries to help Heathen get his life back on track.

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At one point, Christian is invited over to Heathen’s house, where Heathen’s wife is. She specifies that she and Heathen don’t… gasp… LIVE together (because yes, there is apparently one human being on earth who thinks that’s a big fucking deal) but she hints that they’ve had sex without being married.

SHOCK AND AWE.

Christian quietly quilts Heathen’s girlfriend into deciding to stop sleeping with Heathen which is creepy and weird. He even refers to abstaining from pre-marital sex as “taking the high road” which is super gross.

LET PEOPLE MAKE THEIR OWN DECISIONS, MOVIE!

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During the titular climb, things go bad and Christian sacrifices himself to save Heathen. And if you don’t think this is played as a Christ allegory then you are giving this flick too much credit.

So yeah, the white guy gets to become Mountain-Jesus and the black guy gets to turn to god and admit he was a horrible bad person before.

Fuck this movie.

CLOCKSTOPPERS

clockstoppers

Apparently this is a theatrical movie which I do not believe. Like, I was gonna comment that it looked good for a tv movie, which I thought it was. Apparently it isn’t. Apparently it is a feature film.

It was made by Nickelodeon, which does explain its TV movie feel, but its a solid enough one of those. The whole budget definitely went to the soundtrack, for sure.

Zak Gibbs is the child of a scientist and professor and feels neglected by his dad. He comes across an invention sent to his father by a former student and discovers that the new watch allows him to slow time to a near stop. He uses it to have fun and mess around in the slowed time zone, which is called Hypertime.

No, not the DCU excuse for alternate dimensions Hypertime, some other Hypertime.

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He has a friend and a relationship and the head of Quantum Tech, the group researching Hypertime, wants to use the tech to conquer the world. So Zak stops him.

Woooooo, movie complete.

Yeah, this one is enjoyable enough but there isn’t much to say about it. But if you have nostalgia for it, you could do worse than to give it a watch.

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And that’s it for this week! Next week, two bigger name flicks that might be good but probably won’t be.

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