The first decade of this millennium is often heralded as some sort of golden age for children’s films. Sure, most of Pixar’s best flicks came out in this period, and there were some winners in general, but I think people tend to view the films of their own childhood with rose-colored glasses. Most of these films are goddamn godawful. Just HOW goddamn godawful, you ask? Let’s find out together by checking out EVERY kids film between 2000 and 2009. From theatrical to direct-to-DVD to Disney Channel Original, we’ll look at ’em all because I am a glutton for punishment.
This week, a boring movie with a good premise and this second one was homework so I’m pulling double duty.
I like the idea for this one a whole lot. It’s about a bunch of teens who are selected to compete in a reality competition show a la Survivor. However, while on the way to the island where the game will take place, they crash land on Dinosaur Island, and have to hide from dinosaurs. unfortunately it isn’t the DC Comics Dinosaur Island, so they don’t run into The Losers and the island isn’t secretly a living being who wants to kill all humans for developing the atom bomb.
Can we talk about the cover? because two things immediately jump out at me about it. One: it was produced by DIC entertainment, who were essentially a Disney owned production house at that time. However it appears to have premiered on Nickelodeon which confuses me severely. Also, you can tell how memorable the characters are by how exactly none of them appear on the front cover of the dvd.
Oh, and by “full length feature film” they mean an hour and ten minutes but whatever fine at least it’s short.
It’s also nothing. Like I can’t think of a single thing to say about this one.
Oh wait! yes I can! They reuse dinosaur sounds from Jurassic Park and I found it odd and off-putting.
DIBU 3 THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION
Ok what do you want me to say? it’s the fucking Shawshank Redemption. Do you REALLY want to hear me say that it’s fantastic and scripted beautifully and acted perfectly?
Do you really need me to tell you it’s one of the best movies ever for the thousandth time?
Because I feel like if you haven’t already seen this movie, my dumbass opinion ain’t gonna turn you.
Look, me reviewing Shawshank would be like me reviewing Pac-Man. It’s fucking Pac-Man, you ALREADY KNOW it’s good, you don’t need four hundred words of me nattering on about it.
If you haven’t seen it, go do that, if you have, go do something else with your time. I dunno, read a book? Mara Wilson’s autobiography Where Am I Now is pretty fantastic. read that.
OK, there we go, all done for this week. Next week…
TWO MOVIES I’VE NEVER HEARD OF!!!!!
It’ll be a time.