Why, 2k?!- “Double Teamed” and “Elina: As If I Wasn’t There”

The first decade of this millennium is often heralded as some sort of golden age for children’s films. Sure, most of Pixar’s best flicks came out in this period, and there were some winners in general, but I think people tend to view the films of their own childhood with rose-colored glasses. Most of these films are goddamn godawful. Just HOW goddamn godawful, you ask? Let’s find out together by checking out EVERY kids film between 2000 and 2009. From theatrical to direct-to-DVD to Disney Channel Original, we’ll look at ’em all because I am a glutton for punishment.

DOUBLE TEAMED

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Boooooooooooooorrrrrrrrrrriiiiiiing.

Holy crap this was a fight to sit through. Like, I don’t care about basketball and I don’t care about DCOMs so I super totally don’t care about a DCOM about basketball.

But here we are. So here we go.

The film is based on the true story of two incredibly tall twin girls who grew up to become WNBA basketball stars.

Problem number one, they cast girls who really don’t look alike. Like at all. Like, I’ve known multiple sets of twins in my life. they don’t have 100% different facial structures.

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Like, they do not look alike, right? They just both happen to be tall blondes but that doesn’t really amount to anything.

The film itself is aimless and plodding, resulting in a confused narrative structure. I swear to god the twins have the “never mind, we actually like each other now” moment like five separate times.

Also, the ending, where they face off while playing in the WNBA never happened in real life.

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In addition, this is a period piece but it doesn’t feel like one. Nothing about the way the characters act, dress, or talk, tells me it isn’t taking place in 2002.

But yeah, it’s bad. Whoopdy-doo.

ELINA: AS IF I WASN’T THERE SOME RANDOM BULLSHIT I FELT LIKE TALKING ABOUT.

I didn’t have time to find a replacement movie this week so I’ll just talk about some stuff I saw/read/played this week.

MOVIES:

COLOSSAL: Absolutely fantastic. The performances are fantastic and in some cases jaw dropping, and it handles a very serious issues in one of the best ways I’ve ever seen. It is not what you’re expecting it to be at all, but if you go with it, you’ll see how special it truly is.

THE OMEN: I got halfway through this one before I had to stop for unrelated reasons. It’s very good and it’s exactly what I was hoping for from some weird 70s horror.

CHICAGO: Not done with this one at present either, but I like it one hell of a lot. It’s charming and stylistic and the music is really catchy.

TV:

SILICON VALLEY: Caught the season four premiere this morning and am really excited to see where it goes. I’m glad they seem to have split Richard away from the rest so he can’t keep screwing up all their plans and I like the role they have Russell taking at present.

BOOKS:

WHERE AM I NOW: Mara Wilson’s memoirs are heartfelt and earnest and truly wonderful, if at times painfully relatable. For anyone who deals with anxiety and depression, it’s a must read and Wilson is a charming and relatable storyteller.

COMICS:

FANTASTIC FOUR  BY MARK WAID AND MIKE WIERINGO ULTIMATE COLLECTION VOL. 1: I’d never read the Waid/Wieringo FF before now and I am positively kicking myself now that i’ve seen how great it is. Like, easily my favorite FF comics I have ever read already. SOooooooo great.

And there we go!  Some stuff I enjoyed this past week. Pretty much all of them are highly recommended so listen to me and find some things to enjoy.

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