Why, 2K?!- “Get A Clue” and “Getting There”

The first decade of this millennium is often heralded as some sort of golden age for children’s films. Sure, most of Pixar’s best flicks came out in this period, and there were some winners in general, but I think people tend to view the films of their own childhood with rose-colored glasses. Most of these films are goddamn godawful. Just HOW goddamn godawful, you ask? Let’s find out together by checking out EVERY kids film between 2000 and 2009. From theatrical to direct-to-DVD to Disney Channel Original, we’ll look at ’em all because I am a glutton for punishment.

This week, holy shit I wanna stop.

GET A CLUE

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Jesus christ these were bad. And not even in a way that’s easy to talk about. Like, they just washed over me and bored me so bad my eyes glazed over.

In this one, Lindsay Lohan wants to be a journalist but is really more of a privacy invader and she solves a disappearance sorta not really.

Do you know what the one good thing was about this movie?

the little sister character was wearing some spy goggles I remember from when I was a kid so I got a little nostalgia out of that. That’s it. That’s all. Game over.

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Ugggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh. I wanna go home. This movie hurt me a little bit. But it didn’t hurt me nearly as much as…

GETTING THERE

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Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen are the twin harbingers of the anti-christ. I have sat through like three of these movies and each one made me feel bad about myself in ways I thought impossible. This one is a road trip film to get to everyone’s favorite tourist destination: Salt Lake City, Utah.

Yup. And they keep fuckin’ screwing up on that front, getting lost and backtracking in what I’m sure was meant to be cute and funny as opposed to being infuriating and exhausting.

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Also, the character of Toast is, I’m sure meant to be a charming stoner but I swear to god he’s like a parody of the most annoying character possible.

I wanted him to die. I wanted the movie to end with his horrible death. That is what i prayed for with all of my heart.

I was also baking cookies while I was watching this. You didn’t need to know that but I’m telling you anyway.

Well, that’s it for this week, next week, please jesus something better?

 

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