Why, 2K?!- “Get A Clue” and “Getting There”

The first decade of this millennium is often heralded as some sort of golden age for children’s films. Sure, most of Pixar’s best flicks came out in this period, and there were some winners in general, but I think people tend to view the films of their own childhood with rose-colored glasses. Most of these films are goddamn godawful. Just HOW goddamn godawful, you ask? Let’s find out together by checking out EVERY kids film between 2000 and 2009. From theatrical to direct-to-DVD to Disney Channel Original, we’ll look at ’em all because I am a glutton for punishment.

This week, holy shit I wanna stop.

GET A CLUE

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Jesus christ these were bad. And not even in a way that’s easy to talk about. Like, they just washed over me and bored me so bad my eyes glazed over.

In this one, Lindsay Lohan wants to be a journalist but is really more of a privacy invader and she solves a disappearance sorta not really.

Do you know what the one good thing was about this movie?

the little sister character was wearing some spy goggles I remember from when I was a kid so I got a little nostalgia out of that. That’s it. That’s all. Game over.

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Ugggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh. I wanna go home. This movie hurt me a little bit. But it didn’t hurt me nearly as much as…

GETTING THERE

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Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen are the twin harbingers of the anti-christ. I have sat through like three of these movies and each one made me feel bad about myself in ways I thought impossible. This one is a road trip film to get to everyone’s favorite tourist destination: Salt Lake City, Utah.

Yup. And they keep fuckin’ screwing up on that front, getting lost and backtracking in what I’m sure was meant to be cute and funny as opposed to being infuriating and exhausting.

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Also, the character of Toast is, I’m sure meant to be a charming stoner but I swear to god he’s like a parody of the most annoying character possible.

I wanted him to die. I wanted the movie to end with his horrible death. That is what i prayed for with all of my heart.

I was also baking cookies while I was watching this. You didn’t need to know that but I’m telling you anyway.

Well, that’s it for this week, next week, please jesus something better?

 

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Why, 2k?!- “Double Teamed” and “Elina: As If I Wasn’t There”

The first decade of this millennium is often heralded as some sort of golden age for children’s films. Sure, most of Pixar’s best flicks came out in this period, and there were some winners in general, but I think people tend to view the films of their own childhood with rose-colored glasses. Most of these films are goddamn godawful. Just HOW goddamn godawful, you ask? Let’s find out together by checking out EVERY kids film between 2000 and 2009. From theatrical to direct-to-DVD to Disney Channel Original, we’ll look at ’em all because I am a glutton for punishment.

DOUBLE TEAMED

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Boooooooooooooorrrrrrrrrrriiiiiiing.

Holy crap this was a fight to sit through. Like, I don’t care about basketball and I don’t care about DCOMs so I super totally don’t care about a DCOM about basketball.

But here we are. So here we go.

The film is based on the true story of two incredibly tall twin girls who grew up to become WNBA basketball stars.

Problem number one, they cast girls who really don’t look alike. Like at all. Like, I’ve known multiple sets of twins in my life. they don’t have 100% different facial structures.

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Like, they do not look alike, right? They just both happen to be tall blondes but that doesn’t really amount to anything.

The film itself is aimless and plodding, resulting in a confused narrative structure. I swear to god the twins have the “never mind, we actually like each other now” moment like five separate times.

Also, the ending, where they face off while playing in the WNBA never happened in real life.

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In addition, this is a period piece but it doesn’t feel like one. Nothing about the way the characters act, dress, or talk, tells me it isn’t taking place in 2002.

But yeah, it’s bad. Whoopdy-doo.

ELINA: AS IF I WASN’T THERE SOME RANDOM BULLSHIT I FELT LIKE TALKING ABOUT.

I didn’t have time to find a replacement movie this week so I’ll just talk about some stuff I saw/read/played this week.

MOVIES:

COLOSSAL: Absolutely fantastic. The performances are fantastic and in some cases jaw dropping, and it handles a very serious issues in one of the best ways I’ve ever seen. It is not what you’re expecting it to be at all, but if you go with it, you’ll see how special it truly is.

THE OMEN: I got halfway through this one before I had to stop for unrelated reasons. It’s very good and it’s exactly what I was hoping for from some weird 70s horror.

CHICAGO: Not done with this one at present either, but I like it one hell of a lot. It’s charming and stylistic and the music is really catchy.

TV:

SILICON VALLEY: Caught the season four premiere this morning and am really excited to see where it goes. I’m glad they seem to have split Richard away from the rest so he can’t keep screwing up all their plans and I like the role they have Russell taking at present.

BOOKS:

WHERE AM I NOW: Mara Wilson’s memoirs are heartfelt and earnest and truly wonderful, if at times painfully relatable. For anyone who deals with anxiety and depression, it’s a must read and Wilson is a charming and relatable storyteller.

COMICS:

FANTASTIC FOUR  BY MARK WAID AND MIKE WIERINGO ULTIMATE COLLECTION VOL. 1: I’d never read the Waid/Wieringo FF before now and I am positively kicking myself now that i’ve seen how great it is. Like, easily my favorite FF comics I have ever read already. SOooooooo great.

And there we go!  Some stuff I enjoyed this past week. Pretty much all of them are highly recommended so listen to me and find some things to enjoy.

Why, 2K?!- “Dinosaur Island” and “Dibu 3”

The first decade of this millennium is often heralded as some sort of golden age for children’s films. Sure, most of Pixar’s best flicks came out in this period, and there were some winners in general, but I think people tend to view the films of their own childhood with rose-colored glasses. Most of these films are goddamn godawful. Just HOW goddamn godawful, you ask? Let’s find out together by checking out EVERY kids film between 2000 and 2009. From theatrical to direct-to-DVD to Disney Channel Original, we’ll look at ’em all because I am a glutton for punishment.

This week, a boring movie with a good premise and this second one was homework so I’m pulling double duty.

DINOSAUR ISLAND

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I like the idea for this one a whole lot. It’s about a bunch of teens who are selected to compete in a reality competition show a la Survivor. However, while on the way to the island where the game will take place, they crash land on Dinosaur Island, and have to hide from dinosaurs. unfortunately it isn’t the DC Comics Dinosaur Island, so they don’t run into The Losers and the island isn’t secretly a living being who wants to kill all humans for developing the atom bomb.

Can we talk about the cover? because two things immediately jump out at me about it. One: it was produced by DIC entertainment, who were essentially a Disney owned production house at that time. However it appears to have premiered on Nickelodeon which confuses me severely. Also, you can tell how memorable the characters are by how exactly none of them appear on the front cover of the dvd.

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Oh, and by “full length feature film” they mean an hour and ten minutes but whatever fine at least it’s short.

It’s also nothing. Like I can’t think of a single thing to say about this one.

Oh wait! yes I can! They reuse dinosaur sounds from Jurassic Park and I found it odd and off-putting.

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DIBU 3 THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION

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Ok what do you want me to say? it’s the fucking Shawshank Redemption. Do you REALLY want to hear me say that it’s fantastic and scripted beautifully and acted perfectly?

Do you really need me to tell you it’s one of the best movies ever for the thousandth time?

Really?

Because I feel like if you haven’t already seen this movie, my dumbass opinion ain’t gonna turn you.

Look, me reviewing Shawshank would be like me reviewing Pac-Man. It’s fucking Pac-Man, you ALREADY KNOW it’s good, you don’t need four hundred words of me nattering on about it.

If you haven’t seen it, go do that, if you have, go do something else with your time. I dunno, read a book? Mara Wilson’s autobiography Where Am I Now  is pretty fantastic. read that.

OK, there we go, all done for this week. Next week…

*Checks wikipedia*

TWO MOVIES I’VE NEVER HEARD OF!!!!!

It’ll be a time.

Why, 2K?!- “The Country Bears” and “Dennis the Menace: Cruise Control”

The first decade of this millennium is often heralded as some sort of golden age for children’s films. Sure, most of Pixar’s best flicks came out in this period, and there were some winners in general, but I think people tend to view the films of their own childhood with rose-colored glasses. Most of these films are goddamn godawful. Just HOW goddamn godawful, you ask? Let’s find out together by checking out EVERY kids film between 2000 and 2009. From theatrical to direct-to-DVD to Disney Channel Original, we’ll look at ’em all because I am a glutton for punishment.

This week, I was not expecting this to be good but it was so I’m happy.

THE COUNTRY BEARS

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So look, I try to go into things with an open minds. I try really hard. But I’ve been doing this long enough to know that sometimes you actually can judge a book by its cover. But this time I was wrong.

This movie is surprisingly delightful. It’s a musical, so it earns points right there, but a solid cast and incredibly well done animatronics make for a fantastic kids movie. My expectations were set really low and I had an enjoyable time.

Beary is a young bear being raised by a human family who idolizes the disassembled country group  The Country Bears. But his brother is a literal human monster who tells Beary point blank that he’s adopted. (Also the running joke that no one acknowledges Beary is a walking talking bear shouldn’t work as well as it does).

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Also, like I mentioned the animatronics are pretty great. Which is important because the movie would absolutely fall to pieces if not. They communicate emotion appropriately enough and somehow don’t look super terrifying all the time which is a shock.

Also, this movie has Diedrich Bader and Christopher Walken. And Stephen Root and Stephen Tobolowsky. That is a weird cast. Christopher Walken plays the villain. Any movie where that is true is automatically at least a little worth watching.

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So yeah, a fun kids movie, if you have to watch something with your Disney loving cousin, you could do far worse.

DENNIS THE MENACE: CRUISE CONTROL WORLD’S GREATEST DAD

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So like most films I pick when I can’t find the one I was looking for, this was just a movie on Netflix that looked interesting. I didn’t realize however that this was a Bobcat Goldthwait film. If I had, I would’ve watched it way sooner. Goldthwait’s filmography is predominantly dark comedies and uncomfortable ones at that.

This is no different. It’s haunting and funny and fascinating to watch. Look, Country Bears was good for a kids movie but this one will stick with me.

In the film Lance is an unpublished writer and teacher at a local high school with a sex obsessed asshole named Kyle for a son. Kyle is unlikable and morally repugnant but in a realistic way. I knew like three Kyles in high school.

But when Kyle dies via autoerotic asphyxiation and Lance, trying to cover it up, makes it look like a suicide and writes a note. After his death, the note makes Kyle an icon at the school and Lance finds new success profiting off of his son’s death.

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It’s a dark weird comedy that is indeed funny but also beautiful in its own very strange way. The characters are mostly manipulative and troubled in their own rights, with Kyle being the pinnacle of this. Kyle is THE WORST, but he’s still a nuanced and interesting character.

The balance struck is a very interesting one but it’s necessary to make Lance seem like not the best person, but not a terrible one either.

This is a movie I’m glad I watched, a unique weird experience I won’t soon forget.

Next week, some more weird shit. Promise.

Problematic Solving: How To Make A White Iron Fist Adaptation Work

So Marvel’s newest Netflix series Iron Fist is on the horizon and advance reviews peg it as… not fantastic. In fact, it’s tracking to be pretty bad. Which is depressing because I like Iron Fist. But he is a troublesome character to work into a modern context. Troublesome but, as we’ll discuss not totally impossible.

Early on in the series’s casting, there was controversy over the decision to cast him as a white actor instead of an Asian one. Personally, I think casting an Asian actor would have been the right call and would fix numerous problems with the source material. However, It’s been said that it’s IMPOSSIBLE to write a white Iron Fist adaptation that isn’t inherently flawed. I disagree, But clearly the way they cast and wrote White Iron Fist failed to escape the “white savior” and “colonialist” undertones of the source material. So how do you do that? Is it possible to write a white Iron Fist adaptation that works? I got bored and decided to try and figure out a way as a writing exercise. And I think I got something workable.

Iron Fist is naturally a story about a rich white dude who goes to an Asian nation and becomes the best ever at martial arts. I don’t love the term “problematic”, but that is hell of problematic, dogg. Like, even if we ignore all the white savior tropes in film history, that’s still an icky colonialist idea. So let’s tackle this origin story and see what we can change.

Let’s look at the first part of the sentence “a rich white dude”. Can we make him not rich? Well, we can, but that doesn’t solve our problem. Can we make him not white? Well yeah, and that would immediately solve our problem but this entire thought experiment is predicated upon keeping this facet intact. How about not a dude? Again, better, but not tackling the core issue.

Ok, what about taking issue with the “Asian nation/ martial arts” stuff? Well, changing that also screws with the core idea and making it “a middle eastern nation” or “an African nation” just gives us the same problem so what have we left? “becomes the best ever at martial arts”. Oh hey, why don’t we look at that? What if we just make him… not the best?

So how do you make Iron Fist work? Simple: you make him Matt Fraction’s Hawkeye. In Fraction’s Hawkeye run, the archer is portrayed as a charming but bumbling troublemaker who keeps getting in over his head and getting assisted by way more knowledgeable people who aren’t idiots. So why not do that with Iron Fist?

For Iron Fist to work, Danny has to be someone who’s strength comes from listening. He can’t just master the teachings of K’un Lun by the time he’s 24, he has to seriously struggle and accept advice from those smarter than he is. And he has to be kind of an idiot. There’s no way for this to work if Rand is a natural. He has to triumph through accepting that he CAN’T be the best.

So what would my Iron Fist series look like? Well, here’s the way I’d handle it. Danny Rand is a rich kid with a big inheritance who is wronged by a corporate takeover that strips him of his family’s company and his actual life is put at risk by hired guns. Rand decides to take his rich boy money and head to the mystical city of K’un Lun to train up, desiring revenge. However, his ideas of being instantly the best are stripped away when he constantly fails to attain even the most basic level of skill. Rand learns that he can’t just force of will himself into skill and finally agrees to listen to the much wiser masters around him, who train him to harness his chi as a warrior. HOWEVER, to attain this skill level, Danny would have to come to terms with the idea that he would never be as good as his mentors, and certainly not in a matter of months. And especially the idea that in order to be successful, you need to have an open ear and never assume you know more about someone else’s life and experiences than they do. (Yes I am suggesting an Iron Fist show based on the idea that Mansplaining/Whitesplaining is wrong, deal with it). I would have him attain an incredibly basic level of skill. Honestly, if you asked me to pitch an Iron Fist series, a central tenant would be the idea that Danny was incompetent at using his chi that he could ONLY use it in one fist, as opposed to everyone else, who could use it throughout their bodies. This would make Iron Fist not a title of honor, but a mocking one of his own limitations. So Danny takes what he learned  (both about kicking ass and about life) and returns to New York to beat the bad guys and save his company through punching and understanding. Essentially, Iron Fist works in a modern day context only if he’s making fun of the original idea of what Iron Fist is. Don’t make him a hipster with a man bun, make him a wannabe white savior who learns that white savior-ing doesn’t work in real life.

So yeah, that’s my pitch for a white Iron Fist adaptation that skewers the problematic racial motivations of the original story. Or you could just cast an Asian actor and you can ignore everything I just said.

Your call.

Hunter Rasmussen Is a loser who occasionally far too often writes about comic books. You can find his work on Dailysuperheroes.com and you can find him being endlessly betrayed by the world around him.

Why, 2K?!- “The Climb” and “Clockstoppers”

The first decade of this millennium is often heralded as some sort of golden age for children’s films. Sure, most of Pixar’s best flicks came out in this period, and there were some winners in general, but I think people tend to view the films of their own childhood with rose-colored glasses. Most of these films are goddamn godawful. Just HOW goddamn godawful, you ask? Let’s find out together by checking out EVERY kids film between 2000 and 2009. From theatrical to direct-to-DVD to Disney Channel Original, we’ll look at ’em all because I am a glutton for punishment.

This week, a film that makes me ill and one that contains Blink-182 so really same diff.

THE CLIMB

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A short preamble before we discuss this one: I got nothing against religion. It’s not an especially big part of my life, but if it makes someone a better person, I am all for it. However, the creepy evangelism of christian cinema IS something I have a problem with. Movies like this are heavy handed and only exist to re-affirm the beliefs of the viewer, while shaming anyone who disagrees. Also, they love their stereotypes. I don’t like these movies. So let’s talk about one.

The Climb is bad. It’s really bad. The film follows two mountain climbers. The selfless, christian, perfect white dude and the selfish, god-rejecting, boastful black guy.  Yes, this IS one of those kinda movies. Lets just call them Christian and Heathen, because that’s all this movie really cares about.

So the duo are paired together on a big mountain climb and Christian tries to help Heathen get his life back on track.

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At one point, Christian is invited over to Heathen’s house, where Heathen’s wife is. She specifies that she and Heathen don’t… gasp… LIVE together (because yes, there is apparently one human being on earth who thinks that’s a big fucking deal) but she hints that they’ve had sex without being married.

SHOCK AND AWE.

Christian quietly quilts Heathen’s girlfriend into deciding to stop sleeping with Heathen which is creepy and weird. He even refers to abstaining from pre-marital sex as “taking the high road” which is super gross.

LET PEOPLE MAKE THEIR OWN DECISIONS, MOVIE!

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During the titular climb, things go bad and Christian sacrifices himself to save Heathen. And if you don’t think this is played as a Christ allegory then you are giving this flick too much credit.

So yeah, the white guy gets to become Mountain-Jesus and the black guy gets to turn to god and admit he was a horrible bad person before.

Fuck this movie.

CLOCKSTOPPERS

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Apparently this is a theatrical movie which I do not believe. Like, I was gonna comment that it looked good for a tv movie, which I thought it was. Apparently it isn’t. Apparently it is a feature film.

It was made by Nickelodeon, which does explain its TV movie feel, but its a solid enough one of those. The whole budget definitely went to the soundtrack, for sure.

Zak Gibbs is the child of a scientist and professor and feels neglected by his dad. He comes across an invention sent to his father by a former student and discovers that the new watch allows him to slow time to a near stop. He uses it to have fun and mess around in the slowed time zone, which is called Hypertime.

No, not the DCU excuse for alternate dimensions Hypertime, some other Hypertime.

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He has a friend and a relationship and the head of Quantum Tech, the group researching Hypertime, wants to use the tech to conquer the world. So Zak stops him.

Woooooo, movie complete.

Yeah, this one is enjoyable enough but there isn’t much to say about it. But if you have nostalgia for it, you could do worse than to give it a watch.

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And that’s it for this week! Next week, two bigger name flicks that might be good but probably won’t be.

Why, 2K?!- “The Cat Returns” and “Cinderella II: Dreams Come True”

The first decade of this millennium is often heralded as some sort of golden age for children’s films. Sure, most of Pixar’s best flicks came out in this period, and there were some winners in general, but I think people tend to view the films of their own childhood with rose-colored glasses. Most of these films are goddamn godawful. Just HOW goddamn godawful, you ask? Let’s find out together by checking out EVERY kids film between 2000 and 2009. From theatrical to direct-to-DVD to Disney Channel Original, we’ll look at ’em all because I am a glutton for punishment.

THE CAT RETURNS

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SURPRISE STUDIO GHIBLI MOVIE!!!

Yep, that’s right, I wasn’t expecting that either this week, but here it is. The Cat Returns was directed by Hiroyuki Morita and was released one year after Spirited Away by Studio Ghibli meaning it kinda got swept away from public memory which is a shame because it’s a really good time (and I think I might like it more).

The film follows Haru, a young girl who can talk to cats, although she’s spent years repressing this information. She saves a cat and winds up bumbling and accidentally accepting the marriage proposal of one of it. Because the cat is a prince.

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I like this movie.

She is whisked up into the cat kingdom and adventures are had by all before she is returned safe and sound with newfound confidence. But SUIT CAT IN TOP HAT WITH A CANE.

This movie is pretty and weird and I liked it.

But like, saying too much about it ruins the what-the-fuckery of it.

QualitŽ: deuxime gŽnŽration.  
Titre: Le Royaume Des Chats.

So there you have it, a weird-fun movie that is super enjoyable.

Check it out!

CINDERELLA II: DREAMS COME TRUE

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Hey Disney,

Fuck you!

Fuck you for doing this bullshit again!

This whole “it’s actually three segments that have nothing to do with each other whatsoever” thing? Yeah, I remember Atlantis: Milo’s Return. And, although I can’t find confirmation of this anywhere, I would be shocked if this wasn’t also just three episodes of a proposed and canceled Cinderella TV show.

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Segment 1 features Cinderella learning how to be a Princess after her marriage to Prince Charming.

Segment 2 is about a mouse who becomes a human.

Segment 3 is about one of the stepsisters, Anastasia redeeming herself and finding love.

All are boring.

And they made me more bored than usual.

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There’s really nothing I can say about these movies at this point. there’s no discussable through line or anything. it’s just three shitty cartoons that have nothing to do with each other.

Welp, next week more movies I’ve never heard of, I hope their good.

Why, 2K?!- “Carol’s Journey” and “Catch That Girl

The first decade of this millennium is often heralded as some sort of golden age for children’s films. Sure, most of Pixar’s best flicks came out in this period, and there were some winners in general, but I think people tend to view the films of their own childhood with rose-colored glasses. Most of these films are goddamn godawful. Just HOW goddamn godawful, you ask? Let’s find out together by checking out EVERY kids film between 2000 and 2009. From theatrical to direct-to-DVD to Disney Channel Original, we’ll look at ’em all because I am a glutton for punishment.

This week, God damn do I need subtitles.

CAROL’S JOURNEY KNOWING

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The movie I was supposed to review was unavailable and also completely in spanish, so I replaced it with 2009’s Knowing which is a movie in which Nicolas Cage has to Google what 9/11 was and a Moose is set on fire.

This movie is traaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaash. But, like, watch it. It’s on Netflix and it’s a perfect bad movie night film. It’s the kind of “what the fuck am I watching” bad you get so so infrequently. And of course it stars Nicolas Cage. Because what the living shit, why not?

So the film opens with a little girl in 1959 who’s being all weird and hearing voices. But no time for that, she needs to do her entry for the school’s time capsule, with each student having been asked to draw what she thinks the future will look like. She writes down a long list of seemingly random numbers and puts that in the capsule which shows that NO TEACHER reviewed these drawings to make sure no one was bullshitting around or putting in their goddamn math homework.

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In 2009 we meet Caleb Koestler, a child enrolled in the same elementary school as the girl from the opening. and its finally time to open that time capsule!!!! He’s told he has to write an essay about one of the drawings and gets given the weird numbers one. So clearly his teacher hates him and gave him the worst one to write about. But Caleb’s dad, John, played oh so well by Nicolas Cage, is an astronomer and mathematician who notices the numbers are weirdly sequenced. He pulls out a string that says 91101 and just stares at it. He eventually puts the right slashes in and sees it says 9/11/01.

He then decides to google that because he’s a fucking idiot.knowing2009.0102.jpg

                                                                              Fucking Idiot.

Also, can i just say fuck you for using 9/11 in your shitty dumb sci-fi thriller, Knowing. Next to the date is a number which turns out to be the death toll of the September 11th attacks. Classy. So Nicky-Boy starts grabbing all the other dates and punching them in, which reveals that each one is linked to a different horrible attack or accident or other tragedy. And the last three sets of dates… are in the near future! OOooOOoOOOoOOoh!!!!!!!1

I’ll be honest, that’s actually an intriguing premise. It’s dumb as hell, but I am invested in where this story is going. Later, Caleb runs into The Strangers, tall weird men who don’t speak out loud, even though Caleb hears strange whispers whenever they’re around. They give him a small smooth stone. That night, Caleb has a nightmare where one of the men instructs him to look out his window, where he sees…

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A MOOSE THAT IS ALSO ON FIRE!!!!!!

Look, I can’t tell you exactly why that’s hilarious but it 100% is.

The next day, (which is also the next date listed on the paper) John is on the freeway in dead stopped traffic when THIS happens.

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Holy shit-fuck. Yeah, a plane goes down really hard and explode-y through a freeway with some of the WORST CGI fire I’ve ever seen. Like, I’ve seen better fire effects in Asylum movies. John goes on home after witnessing this unspeakable tragedy and discovers that the remaining numbers on the paper he hadn’t yet decoded give the coordinates of the disasters. He also discovers the girl who originally wrote the paper was named Lucinda Embry. Jesus, “Koestler”, “Embry”, these are some unwieldy names. John finds Lucinda’s daughter Diana and her granddaughter Abby and hi annoying character who will sidetrack the rest of the movie!

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John tries to convince Diana about her mom’s future predictions, but she’s apprehensive. He then heads to New York to find the site of the next disaster, hoping to stop it before it can occur. He calls 911 and sends them a very threatening message, begging them to shut down the intersection marked by the coordinates. But the next day when he arrives, the street isn’t shut down. He flips his shit at a cop, who realizes that he’s probably the dude who made that super duper threatening 911 call the previous night. He flees from the police down into the subway station where he sees a suspicious looking dude and gives chase. They get on the subway and John confronts the guy… who was just a shoplifter. As the police are about to turn their attention to John, another subway car jumps the tracks due to a mechanical failure and rips through the crowd of bystanders.

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In the aftermath, NO ONE STOPS JOHN FROM LEAVING DESPITE HIM BEING THE ONLY LEAD FOR POLICE. Also, no one looks for him throughout the rest of the film because why pursue the dude who threatened that something bad would happen in the exact spot something bad happened?

Anyhoozles, John and Diana go back to Diana’s mom’s house and find it desolated and torn apart. The next date on the paper, October 19th, is also the last. It’s also the day that Lucinda always told Diana she’d die, because that’s how you talk to your kids, right? They realize that the death toll listed doesn’t say “33” as they thought, but “EE” backwards. But what does EE mean? Well, when they turn over Lucinda’s bed, they find out.

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Credit where credit’s due, that’s a pretty effective moment. Realizing this means earth is due for an extinction level event on the 19th, John panics because the paper doesn’t contain the coordinates of the event.

Also, they head outside to see some of the strangers talking to Caleb. When John threatens him, the Stranger blasts him with light from his mouth.

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                                                                                  That sure is a screenshot.

Seeing some of Lucinda’s drawings, most of which prominently feature the sun. John heads to work on a theory. After examining the sun, he sees that a huge solar flare is due to hit earth and probably burn everyone alive. While Diana whines that they all need to get underground to survive, John tries to figure out where Lucinda left the coordinates for the final tragedy. Diana takes the kids and leaves, heading for some underground caves that won’t help whatsoever when solar flares barbecue the earth. John finds the coordinates on a door at Lucinda’s elementary school and decides for LITERALLY NO REASON that they need to go there to survive, despite that being the exact opposite of what the coordinates meant for every other set of dates.

John calls Diana and tells her to listen to him, but she doesn’t. She just screams a lot. She eventually pulls into a gas station and gets out of the car LEAVING IT UNLOCKED WITH THE KIDS INSIDE. So of course The Strangers steal the car with the kids inside. Duh.

Diana steals another car, screeching like a banshee the entire time and gives chase until she’s hit by a semi truck and killed. Thank god.

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John somehow finds the gas station where they were and heads off in the direction Diana fled in. He stops at the scene of Diana’s accident, despite the car she was in not being one he would have any reason to recognize and sees that the kids are totally gone. He decides to just head to the coordinates and hope for the best. The coordinates lead him back to Lucinda’s house, where he runs into The Strangers again. They have the kids. Who have each been given a bunny rabbit. Because… uh… ugh, I don’t know.

It then turns out that The Strangers are actually…

ALIENS!!!!!

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Aliens who are there to save people from the doomed earth. But they will only take the children so John isn’t allowed to tag along. Caleb and Abby leave with the Aliens with the rabbits STILL NOT EXPLAINED and John heads to his parent’s house to spend his last moments with them. And then the earth explodes into burning hellfire.

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This is not how explosions work. But whatever, this movie is finally almost over. The aliens land on a strange, earth like planet, leave the kids and the bunnies, and take off again, leaving the humans to die off steadily because they don’t know how to take care of themselves on this strange new planet.

Caleb and Abby spot a weird tree on the horizon and, totally not perturbed by the fact that everyone else they’ve ever known died horrifically, they run towards it. End of movie.

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WHAT THE FUCK WAS UP WITH THE BUNNIES???????????

Whatever.

CATCH THAT GIRL

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God, I miss movies that were in english. This is like the third time I’ve had to try and review something not in a language I speak that didn’t have subtitles.

I literally don’t know what I can say? This is a german movie that would later be adapted into the 2004 Kristin Stewart film “Catch That Kid”. It’s about a couple kids going through with a heist. That sounds right up my alley.

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It sounds like something I would love. And yet I can’t enjoy it because I don’t know what’s going on whatsoever. Neato.

So yeah, that’s gonna have to more or less be my review. The soundtrack’s fun. Its shot real pretty.

*whistling noise*

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So yeah, there you go. Next week, maybe I’ll be able to read the street signs in the films I’m assigned.

Why, 2K?!- “Barbie as Rapunzel” and “Big Fat Liar”

The first decade of this millennium is often heralded as some sort of golden age for children’s films. Sure, most of Pixar’s best flicks came out in this period, and there were some winners in general, but I think people tend to view the films of their own childhood with rose-colored glasses. Most of these films are goddamn godawful. Just HOW goddamn godawful, you ask? Let’s find out together by checking out EVERY kids film between 2000 and 2009. From theatrical to direct-to-DVD to Disney Channel Original, we’ll look at ’em all because I am a glutton for punishment.

This week, one of my favorite movies from childhood and AAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!

BARBIE AS RAPUNZEL

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This is the second Barbie movie I’ve had to watch for this column and holy shit I can’t handle how scary it is. It is a terrifying nightmarescape of horrors that I cannot handle.

Look, the only important thing about this movie is that the wikipedia summary is NINE paragraphs long. That’s just straight up not ok. This movie has more words written about it than some real people. People who aren’t terrifying to look at. There is a reason I’m not showing screenshots yet, and that’s because once I do, only screams will come out from my brain.

This movie sure does have a plot, but it’s too convoluted to care about AND it sure as shit isn’t the plot of Rapunzel. So yeah, that’s the movie. And you should thank god we made it through this without showing any screenshots because– oh no HERE THEY COME!!!

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GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!11!!!!!!!

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AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHGHHHGGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGH!!!!!!!!!

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NO GOD!!!!!!!!!! NO GOD WHYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY DO I FEEL PAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNN??????????!!!!!!!!

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THIS IS WHAT FEAR TASTES LIKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BIG FAT LIAR

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God I watched this movie SOOOOO MUUUUUCH as a kid. But always on TV so I think this is the first time I’ve ever seen the first half. But the last act is permanently burned into my brain and has definitively influenced things I’ve written since then.

The film follows Jason Shepard a young sociopath with a compulsive lying streak who will lie about anything for literally no reason. you know, like an insane person. On his way to turn in the last english paper he needs in order to not have to go to summer school, he bumps into hotshot film producer Marty Wolf. Jason accidentally leaves the paper in Marty’s car and Marty reads it, interested. Jason has to take summer school but is shocked to see a trailer for Marty’s new movie… only to see it’s a straight adaptation of his english class story.

Jason gets pissed and decides to prove that he wasn’t lying and Marty stole his idea by traveling to LA with his best friend Kaylee to commit multiple felonies and ruin Marty’s life.

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Let’s look at a brief list of all the crimes Jason and Kaylee commit throughout the course of this film’s runtime:

-Thievery

-Trespassing (multiple counts)

-Identity Theft (multiple counts)

-Stalking (multiple counts)

-Vandalism

-Voyerism

-Breaking & Entering

-Attempted Murder (Three counts)

-Blackmail (multiple counts)

-Property Destruction (multiple counts)

-Conspiracy to commit multiple crimes INCLUDING murder

-Corporate Sabotage

-Abduction

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Also, YES THREE COUNTS OF ATTEMPTED MURDER. Making someone jump out of a helicopter holding on to someone with a parachute BUT NOT HARNESSED IN is attempted murder. So is tampering with someone’s brakes even if only to attach them to the horn. SO IS attempted drowning via the flash flood effect on the Universal Studios Hollywood Tour.

Also, I know this is unrelated but the fictitious film Big Fat Liar has a trailer in theaters before the script is done? OR EVEN BEFORE IT’S STARTED FILMING? ARE YOU SHITTING ME? THIS IS NOT HOW ANYTHING WORKS.

Otherwise though, this movie is great. Seriously, it’s really fun and the whole cast gives wonderful performances that are really enjoyable to watch.

Seriously, check it out!

Next week, two movies I’ve never fucking heard of. So that’ll be fun.